a load of old cobblers

when judge judy met barack obama

2011-11-16T16:26:00.004+11:00

Well, I don't mind saying that I felt peeved this afternoon. Peeved, I tell you. There I was doing the ironing and watching Judge Judy when, all of a sudden, the news broke through to show live footage of Barack Obama landing in Canberra (For anyone who doesn't know where Canberra is, it's in Australia. Yes, I am Australian). Well wacko the chook, but some of us would prefer to listen to what Judge Judy has to say. And I even get a kick out of hearing the tales of woe of the (apparent) trailer trash on her show.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Obama. Nothing at all. In fact I think he's a fine looking specimen of a man. Yes, quite a dish. BUT when I plan my ironing around Judge Judy, I don't want to be seeing Barack's pretty little head on telly. Even though it wasn't even for a long period of time that his pretty little head took over the screen.

You just can't be messing with Judge Judy and interrupting her. Just imagine how irate she'd be if she knew. Just imagine her telling Obama off with some of her classic lines...

"And You Ought To Be Ashamed Of Yourself!"

"On your BEST day you're not as smart as I am on my worst day."

"You spent seventy-two dollars getting your hair done? You wasted your money!"

"BALONEY SIR!"

"I think you ought to be quiet. You know, they don't need anybody
stirring up the pot. You're a pot-stirrer."

"Two people can't talk at the same time. When my mouth is moving, it means that you need to be quiet."

"Gotta job? Well get one!"

"DON'T lie to me!"

"Ridiculous --- NEXT!"

too much monty python is never enough

2011-11-14T16:52:00.012+11:00

Who would ever have thought that I'd end up here talking to myself again. When I say again, I mean as I did when I started out on here in 2005. Well, almost to myself. Six bleeding years ago. I don't know how that's possible. No wonder I'm getting old if time can bolt away that quickly and easily. Who knows if I'll even keep this up. But I hope so. Who would have thought that it would be Coldplay who'd get me back on here :)

I must say it's nice to simply be able to write and post something and not have every man and his dog know about it, as was the case on facebook. Zuckerberg has sure stuffed that place up. It's well and truly buggered, I think. I haven't posted a status on there for nearly two months. How dare facebook have it such that privacy settings count for nothing anymore. How very dare they.

I must say that it's a relief to really walk away from facebook for the first time since 2007. I didn't even realise quite how bound up I was with it until stepping away from it. It really is quite possible to get by in life without seeing everyone's photos. And knowing about every time they breathe in and out or pass wind. It really is. It's a blessed relief to let go of the responsibility it all. I think I had gotten to where I was trying to live my life online and trying to please a lot of people all of the time, and that surely cannot be good for anyone. Now I make facebook work for me by using it solely as a messaging service.

These days I'm getting myself back on track. Getting my housework done in a timely manner. It's taken a lot of stress out of life because I feel that I have time for things again. Time for real life. Just Say No to checking notifications :). And say Yes to blogging ;). And what's great is that because my time has been freed up, it gives me a chance to write proper letters (yes, on paper) to friends, as I used to do all the time. Letter writing was one of the things that fell by the wayside, as did ringing friends. Just picking up the phone and letting someone know that you're thinking of them, rather than messaging them on facebook. I can't believe I let myself get swayed so far off the track of what's actually important in life. I think it's like depression or anaemia - you can slip into it so gradually that you don't even realise until it hits you in the eye.

Well, we're on the verge of summer. The agapanthus are out. The blue hydrangeas are on their way. Washing getting crisp on the line. The long afternoons. The time of year where it's getting close enough to the end of it to wish we could skip straight into a new year and not have to play out the end of it. At this point of the year I'd like a new, fresh start.

I am somewhat amused to discover that some people are still finding their way to this blog via the Monty Python character, Dennis Moore. That cracks me up no end. Here is the post that includes the photo of Dennis Moore, along with a little mention of him. Too much Monty Python is never enough.

Oh, blast. It won't let me add the link. Anyway it was December 2nd, 2007.

in defence of coldplay

2011-11-11T14:35:00.009+11:00

It seems an awfully long time since I posted a blog. That's because it is an awfully long time since I posted one. I'm fed up to the back teeth with being stalked by facebook at present so I thought I'd try and remember my blogger password, which took some effort at this juncture, and write something here.

Anyway, I felt like writing something in defence of Coldplay because I got sick of seeing silly reviews about their new album, Mylo Xyloto. I got the album as a download on release day, 24th October. Unusual for me because I'm still very much a CD buyer. BUT, I must point out that it was part of a thing where you got it sent to your email on release day and I will actually get the CD, vinyl, book, poster and some other bits and pieces as part of this deal sent from the U.K. in December. I'm just a teenager at heart, if the truth be told, and will get a kick out of receiving this stuff via post. Teenager in a 41 year old body. Getting squidgier around the edges by the day.

What prompted me to want to write this was seeing a silly review in which the reviewer managed to make it seem a bad thing that the songs on Mylo Xyloto were instantly recognisable. To the effect that Chris Martin must have thought that he'd have to grab our attention straight away or we mightn't bother to come back for a second listen. OH WHAT BOLLOCKS! How about he simply, after all this time, knows how to write a decent song? After eleven years of hits the band might even know what they're doing. Just because something is radio friendly doesn't mean the band has nothing to offer. Some reviewers have their heads so far up their own Areas that it isn't funny. Music is to be ENJOYED.

Mylo Xyloto, the little piece of music that opens the album of the same name, is 42 or 3 seconds of joy as far as I'm concerned. I find it quite beautiful. And as I heard Mylo Xyloto fall into Hurts Like Heaven for the first time, I felt that exquisite happy/sad feeling that comes from hearing the sound of the perfect combination of uplifting music with lyrics that I could relate to at a heart level.The words managed to tug my heart in the opposite direction of the sound of the music, and that is always a source of musical pleasure. The happy sad ache. At this age the line "I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine" is something that is very real to me and is very close to the "I feel that my life doesn't belong to me" that I've been telling anyone who'll listen for the last year. It's a solid, thoroughly enjoyable album and I'd recommend it to anyone who doesn't already own it.

Thank goodness that there's a band out there making music that is meant to be enjoyed. It doesn't have to show off or be something it's not. It's just decent music. And music that will last and still sound good in twenty years time. I just wish I was a teenager hearing this. This album would be the soundtrack to my youth. It would be the album I'd get ready for school to in the morning and it would be what I'd listen to while I did my homework. These songs would be what I'd associate with a certain period of my life and I'd think of that period fondly as I got older.

I thank Coldplay for 11 years of music happiness.

lentils are uninspiring in every way

2010-05-12T11:32:00.006+10:00

Still above ground :). Follow up to the below. My website was taken over by Russian porn spam a while back and has had to be closed until the admin guy can get time in his busy life to sort it. What is it today with everyone being so busy? Even my 94 year old Great Aunt is tied up with something just about every day of the week. I daresay even her 104 year old first cousin doesn't have time to turn around.

I thought I had better post something here while I thought of it because I might not think of it again for a while and before I know it another six months or a year will go by just like that! I am spectacularly unimpressed at the moment because I'm going to turn forty in a few weeks time. I am unimpressed in general at the thought of forty and also because I am trying to lose five or six kilos before then so I'm on the Sandra Cabot Liver Cleansing Diet. It goes for eight weeks and four of those are vegetarian! I have been eating......lentils. Blooming lentils. And if anyone thinks in their head: "Oh but lentils are nice!" I say: If they are so nice why do so many other ingredients have to added to them to make them taste like food? This is my point. It's like people eating turkey. If it is "so nice" why do they only eat it once or twice a year? Oh, new paragraph.

A lamb chop,for example,tastes good without anything being added to it. That is a true tasty food. By the way - if anyone happens to read this at all and remembers the butcher, well the butcher moved away.

It's just about winter here. Still getting twenty degree days but it's a bit cooler in the house now and write this wearing a very purple jumper. It's comfy.

october

2008-10-20T14:41:00.001+11:00

Another quarter of the year and i'm still alive.

i'm still

2008-07-19T12:27:00.002+10:00

alive! Hello to anyone who might be reading this :). I just had the urge to say hello. I can't seem to get around to writing anything here at the moment but will say that things are improving slowly but surely in this little household.And that is thanks to NAET. Have a good weekend.

where has the time gone????

2008-04-06T23:39:00.000+10:00

arrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a load of old cobblers

2008-01-22T20:55:00.000+11:00

In the process of trying to define what the new website is about I realised that I never did say what this blog was about. So here is the explanation for anyone who has never known:

cobblers - Rhyming Slang, short for 'cobblers awls', 'balls'. Used as a general swear word much in the way 'balls' is. eg. "That's a right load of old cobblers" or as a one word disagreement "Cobblers !". Also used for testicles.

Well obviously I meant it in the way that this was a place for balls or rubbish. Not about testicles.As such. Though they could have been mentioned at some point -I can't remember.

About the new place - it actually only started to look like a place on Sunday, I think it was. There are still a couple of things that Kind and Patient Admin Man is sorting out -there is some weirdness going on with headings that refuse to stay lower case and stuff like that. Something weird was going on with the messages and things like that. Oh, my sister said it wouldn't let her login - that sort of thing :).The Man has done well -it's only just over two weeks since I mentioned it to him and he agreed to do it, and has managed to fit it in with a family and working at a full time job. I am very grateful that he he has taken - and continues to take - time out of his busy life to do this thing for an old school friend out of the kindness of his heart.

There is nothing actually going on there yet -it's pretty much me hanging around like a knob so you'll have to come and say hello from time to time so I don't feel like quite such a knob. Have been hanging around posting daggy video clips.I must say that it's great to have a place to do it.

I tried out a quite a few different names but they were all taken. So I got to thinking that what type of music is it that I actually really like to hear - and this was the end result:

www.daggymusic.com

Of course it's not just a place for daggy music -it's a place for any type of music at all - but I thought it would be good to have a place where daggy people (i.e. Me) can have free reign and not even have to make a pretence of being cool (as if that word would be used in the same sentence with me, anyway :)).I have asked The Man if he will add an Anything forum in the general category to cover...anything.

So come and say hello if you feel like doing so.It you don't I'll have to give you a smack ;)

whatever you think it should be called

2008-01-14T17:31:00.000+11:00

Have been away with the fairies. No, not really, but it feels like it. Between visits from in-laws, other people, visiting other people, scanning socks and creating tartan patterns I really haven't had time to scratch myself. And did I mention the school holidays? "School holidays: driving parents mad since (insert year here)." Even now I should be vacuuming and making the dinner. But my son can starve for a bit longer. "Lee:starving her son since 1994." I have three people who are going to visit and one visit to make and then things should settle down a bit.

If you, too, feel like going cross-eyed looking at tartan you should check out this place:

http://www.tartanmaker.com/

But be warned-once you've done one you want to keep going and you will slip into a frightening place. Tartan Terror.

I thought ethel, The Creative, might be into that. If you've never checked out her papier mache creations you don't know what you're missing.

Pssst...I have something to tell. At some point I think I will be leaving this little bloggy home (eventhough I have affection for it) because I will need to give attention to another project and, when the time comes, I will put the link to it here in case you want to come and say hello. I don't think I will have the energy for both and will pretty much be going on with the same bollocks anyway. In fact the slogan could be : Same Crap, New Place.

I will come and say hello shortly. It will be a gradual thing, whereas usually I would go say hello to people pretty much in one day. Thank you for those comments on the last post. It seems that too much time has passed to go respond to them now :) .

If you're wondering what relation that photo of David Cassidy bears to this post -which you just might possibly be (who am I to judge the inner workings of your mind) -the answer is none. None whatsoever. I put that photo of David Cassidy there because I fancied it. Because I have issues.

This is my first post of the new year and all I can say is that I hope it will be better than 2007 which was truly crapful. It was :) .

did you fall at first sight or did you need a shove?

2007-12-17T12:19:00.000+11:00

"When you were just a young girl and still in school how come you never learned the golden rule. Don't talk to strange men, don't be a fool. I'm hearing stories, I don't think that's cool."

I said in the comments on the last post that I'd put a nice photo of Rick Springfield here for bondgirl. Ethel might have even been into him as well. Ladies of certain age, you know ;) :) .

Was watching Rick on the Countdown concert that was aired on the ABC recently and my jaw nearly hit the floor when he sang the line that I've used as a title on this post. When he sang the word "shove" the audience could be left in no doubt as to what he was implying -the accompanying arm gesture made it quite clear! At the age of twelve I took that line in Don't Talk To Strangers at face value. If you have a hankering to see/hear the original version and grin at the wonderful eighties video have a look here. It will make you feel HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! It actually sounds good good good. Rick trivia - I also had no idea that Sammy Hagar wrote "I've Done Everything For You" until recently, never having heard the original. Oh, go back and look at the clip. Especially if you live in a town where all the men you see are sloppy-gutted and wearing lint covered trackie daks and there are no pretty men to look at.

Gonna have to go buy that Countdown concert. The first song they showed on telly was January by Pilot!!! Oh, how I loved it as a kid! And because I'm completely mental I actually cried tears of relief because for years now I've felt sad because I thought the lead singer of Pilot died of an AIDS-related disease back in 1989 -but it must have been one of the other band members -YAY!! And what about that other hit they had in the seventies? - Magic. Did really think it was.

What else was sounding good?..... Pop Musik by M. Ummmm..... Ca Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand - he still jumps around the stage in a manic way as he did in the clip from 30 years ago. Who has that much energy? The lead singer of Racey was there (his voice sounds fantastic) , as was the lead singer of the Bay City Rollers.

WOO HOO!!!!! The Bay City Rollers!!!!

Martha Davis performed. Little River Band (or whatever the wanky name is that they have to use now for legal reasons because some ring - in band member stole their name and they're not allowed to use their own name anymore) . Anyway, it was a brilliant concert and the next time I get near a shop will buy the triple disk/disc? of it. If only to see Rick properly because the ABC reception here is quite shite.

Enough About Rick

Except to say that he was born in Sydney. And isn't that a nice picture of him? edit: just went back and added more photos because one wasn't enough :) .

Yesterday was lawn mowing day. It started spitting rain not long after starting. Then it started sprinkling. Towards the end of this fun exercise it started pouring. And just as it started pouring the mower ran out of fuel -with only, probably, 2 square metres of lawn to go. So I did what any self-respecting woman would do- RAN to the shed and got the fuel and KEPT GOING. It takes more than the thought of being struck by lightening in a storm to get in between me and finishing the lawn! Before that I'd gone around the edge of the yard and pulled out all the grass by hand because can't get the beeping whipper- snipper started. That meant a lot of crouching down and today my legs are so sore that it's difficult to even go to the loo. I should clarify that - I mean to lower self into position because it hurts to bend legs. If you are male and have a functioning whipper-snipper there is a place for you in this household. Or at least in the yard. There is a big dog kennel to sleep in and Laddy, the miniature poodle, is lonely.

In line with that last paragraph -does anyone have a tip for removing grass stains from toes? Scrubbing the hell out of them hasn't done the trick. They look really grotty now so any Toe Tips would be greatly appreciated. What about lemon juice -would that work?

This is an unrelated thing. Was just remembering today about when Michael Palin was out here flogging his New Europe book and he was asked in an interview who he would turn gay for. His reply: David Attenborough. I bet David could have used a whipper-snipper in his time. And he was quite easy on the eye. Who would you turn gay for? Or who do you find to be easy on the eye? I'm pretty sure that Bumble will say Reece Witherspoon. Personally I'm happy not to be gay because am currently enjoying the renewal of the old Rick crush.

My goodness that's a funny photo of the Bay City Rollers.

fauxgue magazine interview with steve poltz

2007-12-09T14:00:00.000+11:00

Fauxgue Magazine Interview, December 2007:

Steve arrived for the interview casually attired in jeans, white t-shirt, and thongs. His face was freshly scrubbed except for a little eyeliner - "for the camera"

FM: Welcome, Steve. Steve it would appear from your name, your name being Steve, that you are of the male gender. Is this a correct assumption, Steve?

SP: Very astute. Yes, I am a man. A fine American man. I am a man, hear me roar.

FM: Steve, you are a fine musician. You, no doubt, would have an opinion on the music of other fine artists. What song thrills you to your very core when you hear it on the radio?

SP: Oh, that's easy. It's C'mon, Get Happy by The Partridge Family. It gets me every time. Those keyboards, you know...

FM: It must have been pleasing to you, then , when you were asked to write a comeback song for David Cassidy?

SP: You're not wrong there. If the truth be told I was chuffed about it and if you watch my DVD -Live at the Basement- you will hear what happened when I went to meet Mr Cassidy. Ah, his face wouldn't have moved enough to let the words of my song out in any case. He would have had to hum it and the song would have been nowhere near as effective and touching as it should be.

FM: It is rumoured that Neil Young was quite a fan of your Answering Machine CD and that when you had a chance to meet him you made...how can I put it....a bit of an ass of yourself. Steve - it's on your website;you can't deny it.

SP: What do you mean "bit of an ass"? I'll have you know, Miss, that I made Quite An Ass of myself. Please conduct your research in a more professional fashion (flicking hair)

Poltz Interview Part II

FM: Sorry, Mr Steve. Back to Neil. Do you think you could take him in a fight ?

SP: Why did I agree to this interview?

FM: One word for you, Stevie Joe, and that is CASH. Admit that you needed the $$. You didn't get enough for your music being used in the Jeep commercial and in the American version of The Office. Not enough royalties for You Were Meant For Me. You need the cash.

SP:Well, you've got me there. It's true that even Talented and Clever People have to eat, run a car (Jeep, must be a Jeep), and go shopping for clothes and cosmetics. All those activities that the plebeians partake in, so must we. And those activities require funds.

FM: A serious question for you now. If you had to choose between eating a hotdog made from a real dog or listening to the solo recordings of David Cassidy, which would it be?

SP: Is it a dachshund?

FM: Steve, what song makes you sick to the stomach when you hear it?

SP: Ah, lass, that would be I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston. It brings to the surface all the profound feelings of loneliness that all artistes have to suppress in order to be able to function in society -the sensitivity that we feel. This song cuts me to the quick and it is for that reason, and that reason alone, that I change the radio station when I hear it begin. Some people might change the station because they think the song is shite, but my reasons run much, much deeper than that. Poltz = profundity.

FM: Mr Poltz, if you look to the right - yes, there on the sidetable -you will find a box of tissues. You will shortly be visiting Australia. What can the audience expect?

SP: Singing and geetar playin'

FM: Funny stories?

SP: I'm a funny man

FM: Flogging of new CDs?

SP:Why waste the opportunity to flog them, I say

FM: I daresay the dates can be found here ?

SP: They'd better be there or Heads Will Roll!

FM: One last question for you.

Victor Hugo said: Forty is the old-age of youth;fifty is the youth of old age.

What is your opinion on aging in general?

SP: I think that's a question for Joan van Ark

FM: Thank you for your time, Mr Poltz

SP: Cheque will be fine.

food stylist urgently required

2007-12-05T17:25:00.000+11:00

Was going through the junk mail this afternoon.

When is a dolly pram or dolly stroller not called a dolly pram or dolly stroller? When it's called a Vienna Travel System. Frig. The world's gone frigging mad. As if some kid is gonna flick through the junk mail and go: oh, goody, just what I always wanted: a Vienna Travel System for my dolly. As if a little girl is gonna unwrap the gift and go:oh look, Wendy The Doll, it's your new transportation vehicle, the Vienna Travel System.

Have you ever seen anything more off than this foul toilet seat cover? Who would want their backside on that unsightly thing? I don't want anything more unsightly on my loo than my backside. What do they do - put all this stuff in catalogues -things that there is no hope of selling at any other time of the year, due to the fact that it's crap, in the hope that people are so desperate and broke at this juncture that they will see it and go:oh, Aunty Grizelda would fancy one of those swanky toilet seat covers for sure?? It says along the bottom that the accessories aren't included. Thank frickin' goodness for that. They're off as well.

About the food stylist - can you see the contents of that bowl? What the hell is that stuff? It's looks like chunks of tomato floating in a bath of custard. Call me silly but somehow I do not feel inspired to rush out and buy the bowl. I don't think I even want to enter the premises of the shop that sells it. Yes, it is the same store that sells the tacky toilet seat covers.

Every year a list comes out of all the cheap, dangerous, crappy, plastic shite toys and products to look out for -but what gets me is that people buy this stuff in the first place -what are they thinking?

I'm not saying that the Vienna Travel System Doll Mobile fits this description (certainly not cheap). But to the person who named the Vienna Travel System: what were you thinking?

i am not violet beauregarde, mother

2007-12-02T21:55:00.000+11:00

At present Jane Eyre is on the ABC -part 2 of a mini-series that I missed last week. In spite of missing the first part I thought woo hoo upon spotting it in the T.V. guide . Oh, but what a let down -I been spoilt/ed? forever by the Timothy Dalton version -I have left this one on in the background but have lost interest entirely in it and I will generally sit through most things.Oh, except the Shipping News -couldn't get past the first few minutes of that. Thought it was fairly wanky. Couldn't get past the first page of the book, either.

Where is the brooding Mr Rochester? The nature of this new Mr Rochester is wrong wrong wrong. Timothy Dalton played Rochester to perfection -his "ugly" looks gradually becoming more pleasing to the eye as the story progressed-as his joy replaces unhappiness. What a fine actor he is.This other Mr Rochester is too young entirely and doesn't capture that feeling of pent up passion under the surface. The darkness is absent. Don't know why women like that darkness, but we do sometimes.

HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS -EXCITING NEWS TO FOLLOW

On the weekend I bought and planted an agapanthus. I hope that's how you spell it. I know - it's hard to believe, isn't it? An agapanthus. It's sort of this colour. I love it;it's beautiful. It makes me happy to look out the kitchen window and see it. Everyone should be so happy. I would like to plant some lupins but fear that it would be a wasted exercise as the garden would only be relieved of them by Dennis Moore at some point.

STUPID THING

Also yesterday I bought the perfect summer dress -100% cotton in colours that suit -blues and greens -$50.00. Good stuff. Went to visit Mum afterwards and thought I'd have a try on and show it off. For some reason had great difficulty getting it on -obviously didn't get into strife in the shop or wouldn't have bought it -and then couldn't get the (beep) thing off. Became stuck in the thing for an hour and a half. Was supposed to be going to visit my Great Aunt and do some work on a quilt that we are making together but I had to call her and tell her that I was sorry that I wouldn't be visiting because I was stuck in a dress and couldn't get out of it. Mum was particularly helpful. She was of the opinion that I must be stuck in the dress because somehow I must have become swollen up during the five minute walk from the shop to her place. I haven't slept properly for days. To be stuck in a dress when you're incredibly tired is the pits. I couldn't have lunch until I got it off because I didn't want to spill food on it as messy dress = no refund. Was getting a bit sooky. It reminded me of the time I became wedged under a television. The phone rang while I was there and Mum asked me to get it . It was my sister -hello, how are you -oh fine apart from the fact that I'm wedged in a dress. Eventually got out -FREE AT LAST!! But a certain couple of areas will never be quite the same again after all that painful squishing. Oh who's to care, they're just heading south anyway, poor old things.

ANOTHER STUPID THING

I find those announcements that they put at the start of DVDs incredibly annoying. You know how it goes -you wouldn't steal a handbag, you wouldn't steal a car etc. WELL GUESS WHAT??? -THE PEOPLE WHO PIRATE MOVIES WOULD BE MORE LIKELY DO THOSE THINGS THAN ANYONE ELSE SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STUPID ANNOUNCEMENT!! Grrr. Plus you have to sit through the announcement because it won't let you go past it. And why can't it just be assumed that if you put a dvd in that you want to watch it there and then. In English and without subtitles. I hate that thing when you go to watch a movie and then realise that the subtitles are on and you have to go back and sort it out. I want to put a movie in and watch it. That's it and that's all.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of living in the western world. However do we manage to survive.

a booting

2007-11-25T21:44:00.000+11:00

Bit late with the Howard joke -he was given the boot yesterday. I almost felt sorry for him.

So it was that yesterday and now the Australian Idol final tonight. I don't know which is more tedious.

I taxed that dodgily(sp?) scanned snippet above from a sunday magazine -the one that comes with the newspaper -they're great those magazines - from October. It's taken that long to get around to reading it. You just can't rush these things.

In this interview Shaun was also asked Q: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE YOUR ROOTS DONE? To which he replied: "I'll have you know that I've been prematurely grey since I was eight - due to being frightened by an Elton John song. I use no artificial balms of any kind."

The reason I mention this man at all it due to the fact that I find him strangely attractive.

NOTHING TO DO WITH SHAUN MICALLEF

I might have mentioned at some point ages ago about breaking Mum and Dad's bed once. Can't remember if I did or not, so in case I didn't here is the sorry tale. I was thinking about it today. Who knows why our mind holds on to this rot :) .

Really it serves Mum right - it was her own fault. This is what she did - she went shopping with a friend at a town a couple of hours away and gave my sister and I instructions to go and stay with our Grandfather after school. We did that for a while. Then we got bored of it. Along with the three children of the friend Mum went shopping with, we absconded. This merry band took off to our house and decided to make something to eat. We had a combustion stove at the time so I lit the fire using half a bottle of whatever was at hand, which happened to be metho -bearing in mind that anyone with half a brain would use kero. My excuse is that I was eight years old at the time. Anyway - got the fire going and mixed up some pikelets without a recipe and attempted to cook them right there on the stovetop i.e. not in a pan. They stuck there. Just a bloody mess, really. A failure. Wouldn't have impressed young friends or sister with culinary skills. So much for the pikelets. Still hungry.

Time to bring out the electric frying pan. Eggs. My friend thought she knew how to cook them but.... she didn't. She flipped them over and they became a right mess as well. We also managed to use a lot of implements in the production of this sorry non- feed. Kitchen:not pretty.

Time for the real fun. Climb up on Mum's wardrobe and jump on the bed. Good stuff. There was a skill to this. First you had to put one foot up onto Dad's guitar, then I think you had to get a toe hole on the cover strip on the wall, and thence to the top of the wardrobe. I took a great leap out, landed and SNAP went the bed. I having deja vu -must have written about this before. They had to prop the bed frame up on bricks for years after this event. Until they bought a new one.

Mum arrived home to see the kitchen -the stovetop encrusted with Stuff. The frying pan as well. Dirty dishes and cutlery. A broken bed. And we were not at our Grandparent's place.

She gave me a flogging right there and then in front of my friends -who never did get their turn off the wardrobe as I was the one who went first and wrecked the bed, thus spoiling all their fun. Though perhaps this disappointment may have been alleviated by the sight of their friend receiving a flogging. Mum would have achieved just a much by banning me from watching the Superfriends or something else a little less painful. Although having said that -to this very day this very memory keeps my urge to leap from wardrobes in check. Anyway, I did say it was a sorry tale and what would anyone expect-it's been written on a Sunday night. Memory is a weird thing -now that I've written that -did she flog me in front of them or was I packing it due to knowing that after they left I'd get a flogging? Must ask my sister.

Do tell:who would you like -or not like - to be stuck in a lift with and why?

Oh, and had a Is This My Life??? moment in the supermarket yesterday. While waiting to be served at the checkout realised that I had an unwelcome visitor under the front of my right shoe. A little gift I picked up when Mum asked me to come see her new pot plant in the backyard. Why oh why isn't she as thorough in picking up after her dogs as she is in meting out discipline? ;) .

there's good will inside of me oooh oooh wake me up lower the fever walking in a straight line

2007-11-16T13:52:00.000+11:00

Here is a picture of my fat, white, fleshy gut. I got Mum to take a photo so I could remember what it looked like, knowing that it wouldn't look the same after the visit to the hospital. One day will take an after photo but, in the meantime, this is roughly what it looks like nowadays, except the scars are a sort of purply colour. The bigger one is where things went a bit dodgy and wouldn't heal. It only sorted itself out over the weekend -took around six weeks. About the size of a five cent piece. Yeah, nice. Wouldn't it make you sick? They managed to stitch up the bellybutton so that it doesn't sit where it used to. I feel like a PERAMBULATING FREAK SHOW (yes, of course that's a joke) .

Listening to silverchair today -hence the title above. I'm supposed to be getting the washing off the line and doing ironing at present but, for some reason, those things don't strike me as particularly rivetting occupations on a Friday afternoon.

HEY, KESHI GIRL

You know how you were jokingly saying about wanting to be shot at 40?

Over breakfast this morning was looking at The Reader's Digest from December 1970 and found this:

JEAN-LOUIS FORAIN, the well-known French satirical painter, was also noted for his bluntness in conversation. Once a woman said to him that she would never let herself grow old-she would shoot herself at 40. Said Forain, "Fire!"

Love it, love it.

UPDATE:

Laddy is back. He was delivered on Sunday afternoon. Along with instructions as to making sure he had water and dry dog food. Breaking my expletive ban momentarily I say here: how the bloody hell does she (Mum, dognapper lady) think I managed to keep the dog alive for the last six years or so? What? He's away a few weeks and I would forget to provide food or water for him? Dear oh dear. I was very good; I gritted my teeth.

Mothers are odd creatures. I can say that, being one. It was winter time. I was going shopping with Mum. She said: "Have you got a jumper?" I said:"Yes, Mum!! I'm 37 years old! I think I know to take a coat with me by this age!"

Actually -the solution presents itself. If all women took themselves out at the age of 40 -before they become too daft and soft in the head -a sort of middle-aged Logan's Run scenario - their children would be spared this type of thing. That could work.

REUNION

It was fun - after a few scotches to take the edge off. A boy (man now of course) I had a crush on when first starting highschool was there. I said hello to him, using his name. He said: "How did you know who I was? Nobody else knew without me telling them." I said: "Because I had a big crush on you." He said: "Why didn't you ever tell me?" I said: Well, I'm telling you now, just 25 years too late." He's married with 4 children now. He looks a bit like Patrick Dempsey;he always did.

Had a conversation with Class Bully. He apologised to me and also to my brother in law. They even had a photo together. Bully and I hugged each other. I felt some of the grief I have carried around for years in regard to this person dissipate. That was good. I never would have thought that such a moment could happen. So, in summing up, drank some scotch and jumped around on the dance floor a bit to some old music-even duran duran. A drunk person told me I was a beautiful woman-haha. Yes he was drunk, but for such an old House Thing like me it was nice to get the compliment. For a brief time there was a room full of old things, all pushing 40, full of love and appreciation for one another and it was good good good. Even duran duran sounded half decent.

Quotes for the weekend:

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein

How come missing teeth look so cute on children and so bad on older people?
- Beryl Pfizer

Girls on film, girls on film, girls on film, girls on film - duran duran ;) .

no more cloudy days

2007-11-09T11:28:00.001+11:00

This will be an entirely sensible post. If that is even possible. I went back and edited the previous one because not everyone would realise that it was a joke from start to finish. I'm just not quite so trailer trash that I would speak that way :) .

Been listening to the Eagles - Long Road Out Of Eden - for the last week, hence the title above. But it also is a wish of mine. The sun has gone AWOL for the last few days. My mother, the dognapper, says that there is always a week of wet weather in November. But who can trust the word of a dognapper, anyway. It was five weeks yesterday since she taxed my dog! I want a new paragraph. A big space, actually.

Anyway, it happened when I went for surgery. I sent the miniature poodle who has, in the past, gone by the name of Keith (an alias, obviously, for who would call their dog Keith? Unless they were incredibly obsessed with David Cassidy) but whose name is actually Laddy. Anyway, Laddy went to stay at Mum's place for "a few days" so that I wouldn't have to go down the back steps to feed him etc while in pain. When it came time for him to come home she said: "Oh, he's having a lovely time here." She obviously wanted him to stay longer. Then Laddy went from sleeping on his own bedding there in the back room to dragging his bedding over so he could sleep next to my sister's boxer (my Mother nicked my sister's boxer as well) and now he sleeps on the same bed as the boxer. They are best mates;they play all day long. Laddy has been on his own here since my dear labrador was put down earlier in the year. Now Mum is saying things like:" Oh, he should be in the circus. He jumps so high!". She is quite taken with him. So that's two dogs now that she's pinched, plus her own dog. Dad remarked the other day: "Everywhere you look, bloody dogs." I'LL BE HAPPY TO HAVE MY DOG BACK, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, MUM!!!! I ended up buying a "garden ornament dog" last Friday to sit at the back step so I don't feel lonely when I look out there. Ah, that's pitiful.haha.

I put these tomatoes here to show them off. They are the first ones I've grown for about five years and was lucky to get them before the grubs did. And the slugs. Why is it that I could sit up last night and watch that revolting medical stories show and see the woman who was scalped when her hair got caught in a roller door and yet the sight of a tomato on the ground with a slug half hanging out of it nearly made me sick? I need to get some stuff for pests, but have left it a bit late, it would seem. What kind of creature would feel compelled to eat/crawl its way into a tomato? And you thought you had problems.

Read Eric Clapton's autobiography in the last couple of days - I wanted to read about Pattie Harrison from his point of view. It took him until his fifties to get his act together and work out what he wanted out of life. One of his issues was that he kept going for women who were unavailable to him on some level. I can relate to that. Except for the fact that I'm not into women. I am, however, attracted to Eric ;). Eric isn't a terrific writer as such but his story is a rather interesting one -Pattie, the loss of his son, the heroin and alcohol addictions. And while thinking about music -I realise that the Eagles are considered old-middle-of-the-road-farts, but I am thoroughly enjoying this new music from them after all these years. And what I love about it is that you pretty much know what you're going to get. It's comforting and the harmonys(ies?) are soothing. Sounds great from the very first listen. Been flogging the second disc all day today. Sounds good on a rainy day.

SOMETHING SCARY

School reunion this weekend. I somehow have to try and re-humanise myself after having the stuffing knocked out of me five weeks ago. This is so superficial -it would seem that my body hasn't coped real well with anaesthetic and other drugs (and I guess the general stress of it) and there have been some changes. I'm talking AGING !!!!!!! -around the eyes and mouth -the process has been accelerated. Given a real helping hand. Last Friday I became DESPERATE and bought some of that stuff that Claudia Schiffer flogs. When looking for it said: "Mum, can you remember the name of that stuff -you know that stuff that fills in the cracks??". A tip for manufacturers -just call the product: DESPERATE, FOR WOMEN. It would make it easier to find on the shelf. But, you know what, I'm not so silly that I expect it to work -it's just that you want to feel that You're Trying To Do Something About It. So I've got the wrinkle cream. What a waste of $29.95. The other day found me doing the ironing with olive oil all over my hair (thanks again, keshi) and a facemask on. The facemask must be at least eight years old. Just whacked it on, ah that'll do. Then got in the shower, washed it all off and then the wrinkle cream went on. And then some pimple cream for the spot that has inconveniently turned up between the eyes. What a sight!! Happy to report that the pimple has pretty much subsided in time for the reunion tomorrow night. Might olive oil the hair again this afternoon. The only trouble is that it makes me feel hungry to smell the oil and I spent the time the other day fantasising about roast potatoes.

An old Hollywood tip that I swear I'm tempted to try: you pull back some hair from around the temple area and make it into very tiny plaits and then secure the plaits VERY TIGHTLY to the head. INSTANT FACELIFT!! Ah, maybe for the next reunion-won't be that far from 50 by then.

Anyone have any beauty tips? To be more specific:beauty tips that will be effective BEFORE 7PM TOMORROW NIGHT????????!!!!!!! Arrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

halloween wank fest/the curse of halloween

2007-10-31T22:04:00.000+11:00

(I found that I just couldn't leave this post sitting here as it was because not everyone is going to get that it wasn't for real -even though the last paragraph should be a dead give away :) -so it has been amended somewhat! It took quite an ******* while to fix it, too :) ).

I can't be bothered, at this juncture, to write of the thing that was giving me the dirts the other day. It'll keep for another time. Today I have the dirts over something else entirely.

Fergal -you wrote in the comments on the last post:

" "the dirts" - i think i have heard this expression only from yourself; i personally prefer what i think is a more definitive term, i.e. "the *****"; but each to their own ;-D" .

Yes - I prefer the ***** as well. I grew up with "the *****". The dirts is a saying that I picked up from augustus. I use it to be polite. I think that there's enough effing profanity in this world without me adding to it here. I'm not a swearer by nature and it always sounds worse coming from a woman than a man, in any case. If I do swear it's quite by accident and might be if I dropped something on my toe or something, and then will modify the word into something else at the last minute where possible.Maybe, just for one post, I can be incredibly and revoltingly crass and people can see just how dreadful it sounds - especially from a woman.

O.K. Here goes.

WHAT I HAVE THE ***** ABOUT TODAY

For a start I have my ****** period. That's enough to give anyone the *****. So, anyway, I'm in the bathroom, trying to deal with the secret women's business, and there's a knock at the front door. What ******** timing. It was a pack of ****** little ******** dressed up in ****** bedsheets. A ******** group of them coming here to try and scab ******* food. I don't even have any of the type of **** junk food that they're trying to bludge anyway and told them so. And even if I did have any I wouldn't give it to them. The fat little *********. Yeah, that's what I'd do -dress my fat kid up in horrible, evil looking costumes and send them around to scab food from people. The kids are ******** hideous enough in their natural state: THEY DON'T NEED ANY HELP WITH THE ******** COSTUMES. One kid I respected:No attempt at dressing up, carrying a plastic shopping bag. But he still didn't get a ******* thing from me. I can just see it now: here little boy, have this nice slice of ******* avocado.
Last year took the cake -a single mother with 3 or 4 kids turns up with all the kids on the scab (YAY FREE FOOD). I told them I didn't have anything for them, so then the mother pipes up (accusingly): "don't you have any fruit"? OH **** OFF, WOMAN! With that many children you are better off than most working people in this country! Give up your ******* cigarettes and you mightn't have to be asking me for fruit. Just **** off, 'ya ****. My response at the time was:nothing. (What? I'm going to give the couple of apples I had in the fruit bowl at the time to some wanker children dressed up in ******* ghoul costumes. Be ********! Clogging up their fat little arteries with **** food. Not getting my ******** apples as well). No doubt I would have whinged about that here before. That's how much it gave me the *****.

OTHER THINGS I HAVE THE ******* ***** ABOUT TODAY

I look like **** at the moment (though not brown and log shaped, more white and a bit pasty). The anaesthetic turned my hair to **** and I can't do anything with it. I spent money on ******* hair products that promised to make my hair glossy and manageable. *******. My hair is ******, well and truly. Where's the product on the supermarket shelf that deals with hair that's been ****** from anaesthetic? ******* hair product manufacturers. Yeah, so much for the leave-in hair conditioner! I'll leave it in alright -I'll leave it in the ******* bottle. It didn't ****** work and dried my hair out even more. Who knew that was even possible! I feel like a ****** old woman. Maybe because I am one. A ******* menstrual, cranky, ****-feeling old woman. **** **** ****...**** ****. ****. *******-****.

So-in summary -I look ******* ill and tired because I don't ******* sleep properly. My hair is ******. I feel ******* bloated and gross due to the red visitor from within. My legs and back are aching. The weather is starting to get too ******* hot. My mother has dognapped my ******* poodle. You can't even have any peace when attempting to change a tampon due to ****** bed-sheeted food-scabbing wanker children and then to top it off I'm sick to death of all this ******* swearing. It's making me ******* sick. How can people go around swearing all the ****** time? The stupid ****** ******** lowering themselves to that kind of standard. Just what kind of ******** are they, these people who use bad language all the time? They're full of **** and wind.They should just **** off.

******** apples: a recently developed genetically modified variety of the fruit.

dirty woman

2007-10-24T15:28:00.000+10:00

Thanks, you fellas, for the comments down there. I will have to come back here properly at some point because I have the dirts about something and feel the need to express it. But it won't be today -have all these groceries and things to unpack.

people are too busy living to live

2007-09-30T14:07:00.000+10:00

The count down is on. Can't stand the wait and just want it over with. Getting quite irritable.

Felt VERY irritable on Friday. Book Week Parade at the school. It is a high point for me to see my son as he walks around at the parade -so proud of himself and smiling his face off. I've noticed before that some of the "normal" kids walk around with their arms crossed in front of their body -not my boy -he is CONFIDENT. Stood there for over an hour waiting to see him and when they announced his year got my camera out and....he wasn't there. Turns out that they had sent him around with another class and hadn't let me know. Probably went past when I was talking to the lady next to me and not paying attention to a group of children that my son wouldn't be in -except that he bloody well was. It was important to me -it was his last time before going to high school next year. And I missed it. Can't do a thing about it.

I have a feeling of unease.I find myself getting worked up about things lately . A couple of afternoons ago I wanted to do some painting with my son. But couldn't find the paints. Looked everywhere. Actually got in tears because what if this moment passed and you couldn't get it back. I remembered that they were here near the computer and all was well again. We had a good time and made a mess all over the kitchen bench. I don't think that kids really give a toss if they live in a big house with a whole lot of electronic shit (which is what it is -there's no other word for it). They just want YOU. I can't draw or paint to save my life, but found it interesting in one section that there was a thing...inside another....thing. It's a pretty rough when you realise that your disabled son can paint better than you-ha!

Just as a follow up to last post -had actually put on five terrible kilos -as I discovered at the pre-admissions clinic. I had no idea what happens there -had an ECG(is that it?) , blood test, urine test, blood pressure, checked lungs, checked mouth to make sure you can open it properly for the tube to go in. They check your height/weight/BMI -gotta know how much anaesthesia to give you. They ask you a thousand questions -very thorough.Good old augustus took me to the clinic and shopping afterwards. He's also going to take me to the hospital next Wednesday and will hang around until afterwards -and will come back and pick me up the next day. So good on him for being a real support when it's needed. Even though he can be a real ass sometimes I now know that I can rely on him in this way. We are still family in our own loopy way.

THOSE BABIES

These are entrants in a competition. I think that a lot of them are very ordinary. Some of them are just plain ugly to me. I am interested to know if there is a particular baby that you find attractive -they are numbered. This passes as fun for me at the moment. We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Come on-which one is prettiest to you?

Something else that has nothing to do with anything at all -have decided that I really do prefer the voice of Robin Gibb to Barry.

at night, when all the world's asleep

2007-09-16T23:09:00.000+10:00

I've just been treading water for a while -in limbo-not hard to tell.

Augustus is back. He had to come pick up his nose hair trimmer. He had a go with it. It works. I had a go at his ears. I was hoping it would hurt him but it didn't :) . Pity he wouldn't deal with the stupid bushy beard he's grown. I told him he looks like Grizzly Adams. This is the only time I've been able to get to myself this weekend. Augustus has actually come to visit our son. We've been teaching him to play tee ball (is that how it's written?) . We've been eating naughty food for two days, Augustus and I. In Australia we have this icecream with the rather unfortunate name of golden gaytime -known just as gaytime- which lead me to say to Augustus yesterday: I need a gaytime. So I had a gaytime yesterday and 2 gaytimes today. I went into a petrol station looking for a gaytime at one point, but couldn't see one in the freezer and had to leave empty handed. I sure as hell wasn't gonna go up and ask the guy for one. The thing is with gaytimes that they taste so good that I feel sorry for people who will never have the opportunity to have a gaytime. I'm throwing caution to the wind at present and might even have another gaytime tomorrow as well. There is a reason for all these gaytimes;will write of it in a minute.

Just have the urge to say: Australian Idol tonight -oh, what a bunch of wankers. Supposedly it was rock night. Two of them sang rock and actually put a bit of feeling into it i.e it felt real -wasn't just a vocal exercise. The rest of them should have been wiped out with a machine gun or similar. There was one girl who was out of tune the entire time. The song she annihilated was the Logical Song (rock?). This girl thinks she is "quirky". She says she is quirky. I say:how bloody quirky are you if you actually have to announce it and try SO hard to dress in a dicky way? That isn't quirky, it's wanky. It's trying to be Bjork who I think is wanky anyway. Why can't people just sing without all the...wank.

I had some good news on Friday around quarter past 4. A call from the hospital to say that there is a locum coming from somewhere or other (can't remember) and that they can do my surgery in October. It was to be in March with some other surgeon. Oh, what a relief. The last few months have been quite difficult. It had gotten to the point where I was thinking that I didn't even care if they botched up the surgery because the way I've been feeling I wouldn't have cared if I didn't come out of it. Odd, but true. The thought of not having to deal with this tiredness all the time:Sweet Relief.

Anyway, have a few days now to get things sorted. On Saturday I got an important thing organised -new underwear. You gotta have new undies to go to hospital. That's probably a rule. I've never been in hospital before, but that's what my mind is thinking:it's all about the underwear. They are very ...colourful...should scan them some time. O.K. -so the undies are sorted. Gotta go to the hairdresser and try and rehumanise myself. My Grandmother said today: "How long are you planning on having your hair all long like that because it looks dreadful". Gotta have a haircut and streaks before getting holes cut in me. Gotta write a list of everything to do with my son in case something goes wrong -what he eats, what supplements he takes etc. What this or that gesture means. Wash the sheets the day before I go in so that there will be fresh sheets for when I come home. Mow the lawn. Do the shopping. What else? Will have to write a list.

So this is what all the gaytimes are about -I'm eating things I haven't be able to eat for years because this isn't the time to deprive yourself. I tried to get Augustus to go get me another gaytime tonight (even though had 2 today) and he didn't want to so I tried to guilt him out :"Ah you'll remember this if I die and say to yourself :"Oh, why didn't I go get her the gaytime when she wanted it! ". Hahahahaha. He knows it's just a stir. And yet, he remained unmoved. It was worth a try, nevertheless.

If anything should go wrong, I want you to know these things that you may not know:

I am left handed

I love the movie A Room With A View

I always wanted the playdoh fuzzy pumper barber shop

I have blond hair and green eyes

I listen to Frank Sinatra all the time

I love ham, cheese, and pineapple on toast

I sometimes have a flashback to the way that Borat pronounces the word anus and have a grin to myself. It could be while making dinner or watching the news or anything at all. It just happens sometimes

That's about it, really.

Oh, and gaytimes-love them as well, obviously.

When I filled out the hospital form you had to put your weight -at the time it was 57kgs. But due to the stress of the waiting I've been eating like Elvis and will now have to confess to 3 or 4 more then that -yeah that mightn't sound so bad to you but when you consider that it's only taken 6 months to achieve that 3 or 4 kilos it's nothing short of a disgrace!!!!

Here's a thing -Augustus was here when I got the call on Friday. He's worried about the whole thing -worried in case something goes wrong etc. Realises he'll miss me. And yet when I came out of the supermarket yesterday laden with 4 heavy shopping bags he PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP so that he wouldn't have to help with them. I saw him look to see I was coming and then shut his eyes. Then when I got to the car he pretended to wake up and popped the boot of the car BUT didn't get out and lift it up and the shopping bags were such that I had to put them down on the ground in order to lift the boot up. Some things will never change!!!!!!! And men wonder why we get sick to death of them. Especially when they won't go get you a gaytime ;) .

Had better get to bed.

yes, it's true, i'm so happy to be stuck with you

2007-09-14T11:37:00.000+10:00

Oh frig, somebody save me -listening to huey lewis and actually enjoying it even though, logically, I can recognise that it's a pretty s**tful song.

Have been in a musical maelstrom(is that a word- it is-isn't it) for the last couple of days. On Tuesday I took delivery on the most delightful piece of furniture ever created, surely (press to play by paul mccartney is on now -listening to "1987 -Let's Party") . I had asked my furniture lady -petite little thing that she is - to make a plain and simple cupboard thingo with 3 drawers for tapes (the CDS already have a place to live) and 2 big drawers at the bottom for records. The stereo lives on top. She did a bloody great job on it and now it's so easy to find everything and have been listening to things I haven't listened to for ages. So I have a female carpenter (no, her name ISN'T karen) and an Avon man. Incidentally, while augustus was up here last he ordered a nose/ear hair trimmer from the Avon catalogue. How appalling to think that you were married to a man who is old enough now to actually need a nose hair trimmer. And that I'm only 2 years younger than a man who needs a nose hair trimmer. Noooooooooooooo...............

All the cruddy old tapes are coming out to play. Last night cliff richard-har har. And you know what?- it sounded very good. You can sing along with all the words. I defy anyone to resist singing along with Wired For Sound or Carrie or Dreamin'. Not to mention We Don't Talk Anymore. I can't hear that last one without thinking of chocolate pudding because that's what I was eating the first time I heard it.

What was brilliant going through the stuff was finding things that I'd forgotten I had-such as vera lynn's greatest hits. And I have a seekers record -forgot about that -so I have the carnival is over after all. It must be one of the saddest songs ever recorded. If anyone can't recall the words:

Say goodbye my own true lover

As we sing a lovers song

How it breaks my heart to leave you

Now the carnival is gone

High above the dawn is waiting

And my tears are falling rain

For the carnival is over

We may never meet again

Like a drum my heart was beating

And your kiss was sweet as wine

But the joys of love are fleeting

For Pierrot and Columbine

Now the harbour light is calling

This will be our last goodbye

Though the carnival is over

I will love you till I die

Sob.

This morning it was 1983 THE HOT ONES

Highlights of it being: our house-madness, she blinded me with science-thomas dolby, science fiction-the divinyls, steppin' out-joe jackson, it's raining again-supertramp, and one that no one else would think was a highlight but I sure did - i could be so good for you-denis waterman.

It doesn't really seem that long ago! But it really is quite a while ago. My sister was 3 then -she's 27 now.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who always marked time with music. But somewhere along the line that stopped happening so much and the music of the time stopped mattering so much -about 1989 it started to get a bit crappy- I started marking it with other things.

Just got up and put supertramp's greatest hits on. Ah, that's good when you're in the mood for it.

Now I wish to tell you of the freaky dream I had last night - paul mccartney had died and for some reason I was at his house. It was a mansion, actually. The fans were allowed to come in an choose a piece of memorabilia. I ended up in the nursery and it was full of beautiful antique story books and figurines and such. Gorgeous. I couldn't understand why they were giving this stuff away. I went to pick up something and then woke up!!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!! I didn't get to have something of paul's -well how annoying is that!!!

So, anyway, that's the music sorted out in this ongoing quest to get my life in order. Oh, the singles fit in the new cupboard plus the little bit of sheet music I possess. That reminds me -have also been listening to the crowded house cassingle ( I wonder how long it is since anyone mentioned the word "cassingle") of I Feel Possessed -which has them and roger mcguinn (byrdhouse) on it doing tambourine man, eight miles high and.... get up and go look at it...so you want to be a rock n'roll star. Hadn't put that on for years. I can imagine that it would have made neil finn extremely happy to be sharing the stage with roger mcguinn. Just as I imagine it would have made jeff lynne very happy to make music with george harrison.

So the next thing to be sorted out will be the laundry, but I shall try and refrain from writing a report on it -as to how delightfully well the dynamo bottles fit on the new shelves etc.

see how they fit in, ethel ?

2007-09-09T16:14:00.000+10:00

This image was originally on its side -I rotated it. So, they go in and sit at the bottom of the teapot, which is wider than the top. I hope you can get your head around this picture of it :) .

I'm sitting here gorging on eucalyptus drops.I've been rat**** for a few days now. Trouble is that women can't really be sick. e.g. today I've done the lawn, raked, swept, de-cobwebbed the outside of the house, done 3 loads of washing, scrubbed the stove inside and out. As well the usual things such as caring for my son, making food for him and getting things organised for school tomorrow -writing the news, getting what I can of the lunch things packed. Making stupid jokes when my son lets off -I have to -he goes to so much effort to save them until he can seek me out and be near me before he lets rip that I can't let him down. He's been occupied watching sport today as well as being the Fart King. Still have to get the washing in, vacuum, make tea, and all that fun stuff. But I'm sure all this activity helps get things back to normal. I was determined that I was not going to hang around being sick and have pushed myself each day and it's doing the trick. But it's been a very good excuse to eat lots of eucalyptus lollies. And the 2 packets of butternut snap cookies (the ones with chocolate on the bottom (top?) ) that I ate last night -I was sure that they would make me feel better. And they did. In the short term.

While eating all the biscuits last night watched Heaven Knows, My Allison starring Deborah Kerr And Robert Mitchum. It wasn't too bad. For the first time ever I found Robert Mitchum attractive. I'm not sure what that might mean. Maybe it's a sign of my old age or perhaps a sign that compared to the man that asked me if I've ever done a wee standing up everyone seems attractive to me now. Not sure. I still can't get over the fact that he rang the other day. It haunts me. I mean the Wee Man, not Robert Mitchum. He could ring me if he wanted to but he's dead, isn't he? I would've married you, Robert, if you'd asked me. Deborah was just an ass.

I still have a grin to myself everytime I think of the lads from Chaser's War On Everything breaching APEC security. Can't wait until the footage turns up on their show. That reminds me -after I finished watching that movie last night I was flicking around and watched some of Saturday Night Fever. I've never yet sat through the whole movie -I think it's the pits. Anyway, one of John Travolta's friends in that movie reminded me a whole lot of Chris Taylor from C.W.O.E -funny. I wonder how safe George Bush felt if a comedy team managed to get through? And not even his own.

Ah, better go and bring the washing in before it gets damp.

That reminds me -George and co dressed in their Driza-Bone (sp?) outfits. Dear oh dear. So they've got nothing better to do than that? Playing dress ups?

this makes me think of tim brooke-taylor

2007-08-31T23:32:00.000+10:00

This is a little teapot that I got at the op-shop some time ago. It reminds me of a big old one that belongs to my granny. This little teapot lives on the kitchen dresser. These are some wooden Ts that live inside the teapot. Well,what else would you expect to find inside it!?? I just wanted to put something different here to look at for the weekend.

people are like suns, they are burning up inside

2007-08-28T12:27:00.000+10:00

I, gentle reader, feel like shite. The last proper sleep I had was last Tuesday or Wednesday night. Just have to wait it out. There's no point in trying to have a rest during the day in hopes of catching up - can't sleep then, either. It's enough to give you the peedoodles.

CARRYING ON ABOUT THE THORN BIRDS

In an unrelated matter I recently bought a copy of the Thorn Birds on DVD -updated from a very cruddy ex-rental double video. My goodness -what a balls up of a concept. To take Colleen McCullough's fantastically written book - set in the Australian outback - and film it in the U.S. with Americans in a lot of the lead roles. And Pommy Rachel Ward as Meggie. And them all pronouncing the name Stuey as Americans would. Tch tch. Apparently Colleen thought it was bollocks. But for all that I loved the mini-series as a teenager and love it now. I wanted an ashes-of-roses dress like Meggie. And what female hasn't "cried for the moon" -that person or thing that we can't have? We all know it.

With a head full of Thorn Birds I googled Richard Chamberlain today to find that he was 49 years old when he played this role. A gay man playing a priest? There's a stretch. Just how good did he look for his age? -and when you consider what a camera does to people, it would seem that in "real life" his face would have been as smooth as the proverbial. Was reading an interview where he said that he found that he didn't really start to show proof of age on his face until he was 60. Well, wasn't he the lucky one? He must know the secret to refreshing sleep.

From what I read he was receiving anywhere from 12-15,000 letters a week from women after the Thorn Birds aired. Ah, can't blame them. This is what lack of sleep does to you - obsession with 1980s mini-series and crushes on gay men. Don't blame me if that sentence doesn't make sense. What would you expect from a blog known as a load of old cobblers. It's not called a load of old cobblers PLUS some sensible things.

CARRYING ON ABOUT A DAFT RECIPE

I have carried on here before about recipes that irritate me -you know the recipes where the title of them goes on and on and names every bloody ingredient in the dish.

This is the latest offender. The spiel next to it reads: "A quick breakfast is often called for in my house, with something more substantial than coffee required. Cook this wrap just before you duck out the door".

And here is the recipe: (wank alert!)

Egg and silver beet wrap with fetta and dukkah." I am addicted to silver beet at the moment. Wrap these in non-stick paper and tie with kitchen string for transporting". Oh, I can't really be bothered to put the recipe here. The fact that it contains dukkah (an Egyptian blend of nuts and spices) and tying it up with string just gives me the shits. Well, I've said a swear word on here now. It's official.

Yep. This woman thinks that people are going to cook a bloody meal before they leave for work. Do most people have time to do anything other than shove a bit of toast in their head? Bloody hell.We keep spending most our lives living in the wanker's paradise.

Apparently the average Australian spends $42.10 a week on meals out and takeaway foods. I'd be lucky to spend that in a year. I make everything from scratch. Even then you still won't find a jar of bloody dukkah in the is household. Whatever happened to real (substantial ) food!!!!???

That's what the crocs were wondering. I kept this little article from the 15th of this month. Aussies will know this news story - a stockman spent 7 nights up a tree in a crocodile infested swamp. He scratched a farewell message to his son into the lid of a tobacco tin : "Surrounded by crocs and snakes. See choppers every day, flying too low - can pass a footy to them, blind pricks. Love you, my son".

He ended up being rescued and said: "Every night I was stalked by two crocs who would sit at the bottom of the tree staring up at me. All I could see was two sets of red eyes below me and all night I had to listen to a big bull croc bellowing a bit further out. I'd yell out at them, 'I'm not falling out of this tree for you bastards'.

If that is an example of a typical Australia man it's no wonder that a woman here would become interested in Richard Chamberlain -suave, sensitive, debonair. Only problem is that he'd probably eat bloody dukkah.

lauren is going to be a man at the end of the year

2007-08-22T12:46:00.000+10:00

I continue to be amused by silly things. My mother's hearing isn't what it used to be. My sister told Mum the other day that her friend Lauren was going to Vietnam at the end of the year. Actually, her sight isn't what it used to be, either. But she won't go and get proper glasses and insists on wearing crappy elcheapo glasses from the chemist which now have a missing arm on them.

Mothers! What are you supposed to do with them? By the by -I have already told my siblings that they are responsible for Mum and Dad later on down the track. I will have done quite enough in the role of Carer in my life without taking on that responsibility as well.

I was wickedly amused by the story of the dwarf who got his penis stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Well done. I'm sure I'm not the only person who read his words - that his embarrassment was "short lived" - and had a grin to themselves. I found that more amusing than his penis.

I have been away from here for days and days. Trying to deal with Augustus. And his silly comments. And other stuff. He will say things for the sole purpose of getting negative attention e.g. "You are a bitch but you have nice boobys". What!!!!?????? Any woman reading this would just feel like smashing such a man. But he did mow the lawn and whipper-snipper the edges so he earns a 100 points for that.

Take off 17 of them for the booby comment

34 for putting a used hankie on the kitchen table

25 for putting shoes on the table

62 for saying that he was going to pick up some lunch after I had been working my tits off in the yard digging up 4 garden beds etc (while he mowed) and instead of taking the expected 10 minutes, came back nearly an hour later -ignoring the fact that I had mentioned how hungry I was before he left - he'd been off having a beer, thank you very much!

Minus 83 for the performance he put on when I said that I was not going to spend Friday night watching football -in my own house mind you! He can watch whatever he likes IN HIS OWN HOUSE!!!

Minus 225 for mimicking me when I was upset with him. Plus 20 points for leaving 2 days early...so that makes.... I think it's minus 326.

Augustus tends to forget that I am doing him a favour by letting him stay here. I don't hate you Augustus, just the things you do sometimes. He does try, but he's just on another planet. And it's not Planet Claire, which is where I reside.

Someone asked what I put in the place of the breadmaker...can't remember...going to look in cupboard...O.K., what's there is a toasted sandwich maker shaped like a cow. Brilliant -everyone needs one of those, don't they? Just like they need one of those wanker popcorn makers shaped like a dinosaur. Don't have one of those, though.

I threw away the jug because water boiled in it tasted like ants, and had thrown the blender away years ago because it was piece of pooh. So while Augustus was here we went shopping and I bought a lovely matching set of blender, jug, and toaster -they are deep red in colour. Augustus thought I was an ass for checking the colour inside the box before leaving the shop but he has no idea that the colour had to be JUST RIGHT. If the red was the wrong red it would have made me queasy - do I need to explain that? Surely I'm not the only one out there who is irked by certain colours e.g. fire engine red. Maybe it is some kind of colour phobia. And YET I find a certain orange and green stripped jumper that I found at the op-shop pleasing to the eye and am rather partial to multi-coloured socks. If they don't have fire engine red in them.

Wouldn't you think that a person would return from days away with something to tell? Something of a rivetting nature? But these are the facts. I'm tired. I'm ill. I've pushed myself too hard with painting the kitchen and digging and weeding etc. Have planted hundreds of seeds. Pumpkin update -only 3 or 4 vines have survived winter -from the 25 that came up -they're fairly scruffy looking but something might come of them yet. I have parsley, chives, one lone strawberry plant, 3 tomatoes which I staked the other day. Some lovely yellow freesias have come out today which made me feel happy and a snowflake/ drop/ whatever you call them came out today as well. We've had a heap of rain and eveything is just going to take off now. Watching things grow makes me feel happy at a time when I'm not exactly doing cartwheels.

A scrag from the Dept of Housing rang on Monday and was horrible over something I knew nothing about and I had to ring Centrelink who apologised profusely for making such a serious mistake such that Housing didn't get their payment and that Centrelink had cut my payments off altogether -a complete balls up with has been corrected now -but not before the mole at the Dept Of Housing accused me of deliberately not paying the rent . Apparently the rent became late as of Friday (which I knew nothing about as it is directly debited from the Centrelink payment before I even receive the Centrelink payment). Monday at 10am the mole rings me -ONE HOUR into the business week -not a great deal of time for me to correct the mistake EVEN IF I HAD KNOWN ABOUT IT. That horrible woman forgets that if not for people like me ("The Scum") she wouldn't have a job. What a bitch.

Good Things: still listening to Crowded House. My youngest sister is visiting from another state and we had a ripping game of Trivial Pursuit the other night. Then euchre the next day with our other sister as well. Good old euchre -hadn't played it for ages. Love it when you get the right and left bower(sp?) and the ace and you know that you can't be euchred -hell that's a good feeling.Oh Augustus - I am so easily pleased-why could you never see that.

Does anyone feel like telling what they consider "offences" in husbands, wives, partners, ex-partners, whatever? That could be some naughty fun.

how to throw out your breadmaker

2007-08-06T13:27:00.000+10:00

I officially have the dirts with Optus and Telstra - yes, telephone companies.

Before I forget - can I just tell you this very silly thing? Good. A couple of nights ago when I was working in the kitchen singing the Wombles theme ( I'm sure I'm not the only one to sing the Wombles theme - everyone has done it in their time. I would bet money that ethel has, anyway) I remembered how when I was little I used to think that it was "...the Wombles of Wimbledon, common are we" instead of "....the Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we". Children really do need a bullet sometimes - I mean, how could something as daft looking as a Womble ever be common? There certainly weren't any where I lived, anyway ;). When I was sixteen years old I had an English penfriend -he admitted to owning a stuffed Orinoco toy. Well wasn't he the lucky one, then?

Up until a couple of months ago I was an Optus customer-had been for years. A couple of months ago they hiked the line rental up to $55.00/month, and this included local phone calls. The (dial-up) internet plan I was on already gave me 100 free calls anyway so this was step backwards financially, so I defected and went to Telstra and waited for Optus to get its act together. This was half way through May. Just recently Optus announced a brilliant deal with line rental, all your local and long distance calls, and broadband all for $70.00. I think: HOORAY it's time to go back. I call only to find that not only can I not get the new deal BUT that I can't go back to Optus at all. Telstra own the exchange and must be saying "up yours!!" to Optus in some way.

The reason this gives me the dirts in big amounts is due to the fact that Optus were given MILLIONS OF DOLLARS - I think it was over $900 million - by the government supposedly to provide this service to country areas in particular. Now Telstra are suing the government for giving the contract to Optus instead of Telstra. End result is that now some of us even less choice than we had before. And if you call the minister to complain they don't even take your name!!! (the sound of grumbling).

WHAT A BIG WANK IT ALL IS!!

ARRGGGGHHHHH!!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

WAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Anyway, who really gives a stuff about it -but it's really annoying to think that as it is for my phone and internet - even with only scabby old dial-up - I'm paying roughly $120.00 a month and might only be paying $70.00. Boo bloody hoo.

(slap self around head -put it in perspective -some people don't have anything to eat).

Speaking of food -my son is going to come home from school to find that I have gutsed (sp?) quite a few of his fruit straps. I think it's a nervous type of eating -Augustus Gloop (as my ex-husband is known here) is arriving this evening and it stresses me incredibly. I have forgiven him for a lot of things, otherwise I wouldn't even talk to him at all, but it's very difficult when he's here. Plus I'm in the mode at the moment where I'm trying to sort my entire life out. Going through every room, every cupboard -sorting and culling. Trying to streamline and organise life so that living will seem easier -it's as though I'm trying to get my affairs in order. I'm just going with what my mind is telling me to do. But of course the process of doing it making me tireder-hence my absence here for a few days. This week I'm to paint the kitchen. Been through all the kitchen cupboards giving things away and turfing them out - OH!!! THE BEST THING EVER!!!!!!!

Here it is -the best and most pleasurable thing that I've ever done in my life. I went to the cupboard. I opened up the cupboard door. I reached in (just trying to build suspense here) and lifted out the breadmaker. I walked with it out the front door. I turned right. I walked toward the garbage bin. I lifted up the lid. I dropped the breadmaker in. It made a dull THUD as it hit the bottom. It was the best sound I ever heard. It was even better than the song And Your Bird Can Sing by the Beatles. Better than the jangly guitar of the Byrds. The stupid thing never worked properly anyway. It was a gift that was used twice before it got clogged up and shat itself. It was taking up valuable space in the cupboard that could be filled with other.....things.

Just imagine you're trying to sort your life out and your ex-husband is coming to stay for a couple of weeks? Have the same old issues for the next couple of weeks, bring it all back up. If he walks in here tonight and says: What's for tea? he will have signed his own death warrant, without a doubt.

Oh, did end up finishing the Michael Palin Diaries. Then moved on to The Ladies Of Missalonghi by Colleen McCullough (again -love that book) and am now reading Something So Strong -about Crowded House (again) for the first time since 1997. It was mentioned in there that the record company thought that the only reason that Don't Dream it's Over was kept out of the number 1 spot in the U.S. (it got to number 2) was due to the fact that a lot of people thought that the song was called Hey Now and that if they'd put that in brackets after the title on the single that it would have made it to # 1. The number 1 song at the time was....ughhhh....I Knew You Were Waiting by Aretha Franklin and George Michael.

So this was just another rant, really. Ethel has the best label ever for her rants -it's "rant rant rantity-rant".

Oh, and the pictures above -one is a head exploding to represent mine and the other is the Wombles -but you can decide which is which.

sometimes you have to turn the wrong way round

2007-07-27T13:15:00.000+10:00

Still listening to Crowded House. I love it when Neil Finn sings the above line in Don't Stop Now. I've had a crush on Neil Finn since 1980. He's getting on a bit nowadays. He's not alone.

Today, I think, it is time for a book review. Haven't done one for ages - not since doing Ladybird book reviews on the Goodies site. Where is an example of one...

2005-12-02 11:08:26

book review time again

daftbird

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS.

Goldilocks reveals herself to be nothing more than a common thief-do not be duped by her sweet face, long golden hair, mary jane shoes, and puffed sleeves.

ANOMALY: mother bear dishes the porridge from one pot-therefore how could each bowl of porridge that "goldilocks-the thief" eats from taste different from the last? I believe this to be a falsehood perpetuated by goldilocks so she could consume as many oats as possible. A liar AND a thief.

NOTED:mother, father, and baby bear walk in the woods while their porridge cools. Mother and Father bear are pictured holding hands. Yet as the story unfolds we learn that they sleep in separate beds. Are they on friendly terms, but no longer "active"???? This point of interest is not examined in detail in the book, unfortunately for the reader.

IN CONCLUSION:bear family left their front door open so they were unable to claim for baby bear's broken chair. Sucked in to them.

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BOOK REVIEW TIME:

THE TWITS by roald dahl

Mr and Mrs Twit are frigging off. That's it and that's all.

Read this book if you are a fan of: all things foul.

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As you can see, that was rather a short review of such an important literary work. It is a particular favourite of mine. Anything you read when you're a child is more interesting than anything as an adult.

Oh, that's not entirely true. An especial favourite is The Moon's A Balloon by David Niven. The story of his life. I knew right from the opening words:

INTRODUCTION

EVELYN WAUGH penned these words:'Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobigraphy.'

It is daunting to consider the sudden wave of disillusionment that must have swept over such a brilliant man and caused him to write such balls.

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I knew then and there -when he mentioned the word balls-that this book would be a friend of mine. And also when I read this about David and his sister, only the third page in:

" Grizel, who was two years older than me, became very interested during this time period in the shape and form of my private parts; but when I claimed my right to see hers too, she covered up sharply and dodged the issue by saying, 'Well, it's sort of a flat arrangement.' "

It really is one of the most amusing books that you could ever hope to read - and also one of the saddest.

At present am slowly making my way through the Michael Palin Diaries -STILL!! Getting closer to the end now. I'm going to miss it when I finish - and just might start all over again. It has been the perfect companion these winter nights. It's been wonderful to snuggle up in bed with Michael every night. This book doesn't hit you over the head with humour or anything. It's just an insight into the way he ticks. I grinned particularly when he was having a bad day and wished that the fans would p**s off and leave him alone, and when he mentioned his wife's ghastly passport photo. Very human.

And silly things like this:

Sunday, August 15th (1976)

...Last week I got a letter from an hotel on the Cap D'Antibes, written by Ronnie Wood (whom Eric (Idle) has been gallivanting around with this summer) saying that Eric was too busy to write, but he'd asked Mr Wood to write and tell me that if my letters didn't become more interesting he'd have to write to one of the Goodies.

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I have no idea what this post is supposed to be about. If it ever had a point, I've forgotten what it is.

Update: have been given an exemption for twelve months in having to look for work. That is a sweet relief. So have a year to get my health together.

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MESSAGE BANK

I wish to mention to you that it is only in the last couple of months that I've had message bank on the phone. Never wanted any kind of answering machine thing because, quite frankly, I'm a very rude person and leave the phone off the hook most of the time anyway because I can't be bothered to talk to anyone because I'm tired. Anyway it has become a necessity, due to being on a surgery waiting list, that I can be contacted. So now I am hearing from people that I never would have -the girlfriend of a first cousin to say that she and my cousin had become engaged, a girl I did a course with to see if I wanted to go to the pub (I didn't ) . So Augustus, who would get the dirts and say to me-when he could get me -: "Don't you ever have your phone on the hook!!!?????", now says: "Don't you ever answer your phone??!!!" into the message bank.

We tend to end up playing phone tag now. I left a message for him:

"Your son prefers the AFL to footy" (i.e.rugby league, this was a deliberate taunt -AFL is considered by some to be "poofter football")

He left one for me:

"He must be gay"

Me:

"He even prefers to watch the golf"

Augustus:

"I'll have to smack it out of him"

Revenge: ring his phone and record multiple whoopee cushion emissions.

Yes, childish -but rather fun.

Anyway, it's Friday . I always feel that something interesting should be happening on Friday night -but I know that it won't be. Will just look forward to getting into bed with Michael again and getting lost in his ramblings. Does anyone else have a book that they would like to recommend -something that's not arty farty -something that can just be read for sheer enjoyment? - for I will soon be in need of a new book.

i'm just trying to avoid doing the washing up

2007-07-21T20:30:00.000+10:00

When is the last time you heard this? Hell, it still sounds good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkuTHURzjRA

Brilliant in fact.

everybody's got a hungry heart

2007-07-19T14:06:00.000+10:00

I have been Mostly Dead for a few days. Utterly rooted (and I don't mean it in the sense that some might take that statement :)). I decided that it would be a good idea to try and eat lunch and be on the computer at the same time. Dropped a good amount of egg (boiled & mashed) on the floor to the left of me. Well done. And, under the Five Second Rule, picked up a couple of the bigger bits off the floor and ate them. Was that not disgraceful? Does that make me a bad person? I wonder where it rates on the scale of Things That People Do When They Think No-one Is Watching? The floor is pretty clean. Well, is was. It now has small bits of mashed egg down there...wait a minute...just paper-towelled it. Ah, that's better.

Today has been a day of:blood test, big walk home (over 3 km, anyway), doing the washing and other housework, and listening to Bruce Springsteen. Just got in a Brucey kind of mood. Hungry Heart and Brilliant Disguise are sounding good to these ears today. Have been listening to the new Crowded House one as well over the last couple of days. There's one on particular that I like the sound of, but can't remember what it's called just at the minute. One thing about the Crowded House album -it definitely sounds mature -Neil is getting on and it shows. But that's not a criticism. Quite a bit of their old stuff I wasn't keen on -like something so strong, when you come etc -not keen at all.

I'm putting a scan of a bangle thingo that I bought for $7.00 here to show stace. I'm not even a jewellery person, but I found something about it very appealing -apart from the price. So here it is, stace -it's just one continuous loop, and goes around the wrist 3 or 4 times.

THE VISIT TO WANKERLINK:

Had to go visit the government department on Monday. Fun, fun, fun under the Australian sun. Anyway, I got there on time for the appointment. I say appointment like that because you would think that a person would have some control over whether they have an appointment or not. That is not the case - they send you out a letter to say that we have made an appointment for you and that if you don't show up for it your payments will be cut off and you will be screwed. Though, I must admit, I was able to ring and change the day it was held on. Hooray for that.

Anyway, get there dead on time. Line up for ten minutes to get to the front desk to tell the girl I was there for the appointment and she asks: Have you told anyone you're here??? I think: "?????" -and say: "I've been trying to for ten minutes." She tells me to take a seat, and I assume that someone will call me. Sitting sitting sitting......and more bloody sitting. Realise that I need to go to the loo and realise that the building doesn't have a public toilet!!! What kind of torture chamber is this bloody place? What to do what to do? Mentally examine the options:

option 1: go to the loo and get called in absence and miss appointment

option 2:sit through the interview in excruciating bladder agony

option3:wet self

None of these are overly fantastic. Tell another waiting woman that I'm off to go to find a loo and if they call me, to tell them that I'll be back shortly. Have to walk to buggery up the street, all the while stressed about the interview. Get back, they haven't called me. Later a woman with a clipboard wanders by and I tell her that I've been waiting for over an hour. The girl at the front desk didn't even tell anyone I was there.

Unbeknowst to me, I was actually supposed to go there and NOT line up to tell the girl at the front desk. Was supposed to find someone, anyone,who was wandering around the floor and tell them instead. I wish I was joking. I never heard of such a wank in my life.

Anyway, the reason this thing was a big deal is that there is a push to get all the single mothers out to work at the moment, regardless of the situation. Knowing what a mess I'm in at the moment, this would make things very difficult in this household. The lady I spoke to ended up asking me to go get my son who was waiting with my mum. The lady asked him a question -no response. He then stood up and was deliberately trying to let off!!! -dear me, he makes a person proud. Haha -it kills me to think of it. He wouldn't have cared if we were visiting with the Queen -he would have been trying to fart just the same. If he's not farting for real, he's following me around with a whoopee cushion trying to elicit the same kind of comments:oh, that's disgusting, oh that was a big one etc. Or else shoving a plastic cockroach at me. Anyway, after we left, the lady must have been thinking about us -realised the situation with the Wind-Obsessed Boy. She has since contacted me and will try and help me to get onto a Carer's Payment, which will remove the obligation to work. It means that we can continue to function here. Here's hoping the application will go through O.K.

In the middle of being....well...ill, really - I went to see Bobby Flynn -the boofy headed guy from Australian Idol last year. Ex-blogger angel asked me to go - I wasn't going to go because I felt(and still feel) like crap and in the end she talked me into it and I am SO very glad that I went to see him. Even Steve Kilbey couldn't speak highly enough of Bobby after meeting him (Bobby sang Under The Milky Way on the show). There is no one that you could even compare Bobby to -unlike the usual Australian and American Idol contestants who are mostly a bunch of warbling wankers whose taste in music is in their backside -they think that covering a Whitney Houston song is a good idea. They must be convinced it is good music. On the night I bought a Bobby Flynn EP that he did 3 years before Idol and it's good stuff, as is the live EP he was flogging at the show. Whatever he puts out, I will buy for sure.

This is Bobby live on the panel last year. Oh, please go and look at it - if you know what's good for you :). I can't think when I've heard such......ummm....vunerability. You can't miss this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwdnktA3kVg&mode=related&search

Here he is doing his version of superfreak on Idol -hell, it's good/funny. And judge Mark Holden really is quite a dickhead sometimes, but he's generally pretty spot on. This really is worth watching -Bobby is such an odd man-in the best possible way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmUBnjXRt_0

ethel, keshi, stace and aidan -if you hear of him coming to play nearby-go see him and you'll be so glad you did. It is such happifying music.

FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MY SISTER THE PARAMEDIC

They had to go take someone to the hospital. He had walked to get into the ambulance, but upon arriving at the hospital tried to bung it on (was obviously acting) and made out he couldn't walk into the hospital and was down on all fours and moaning and carrying in the hope that he would be whisked into the hospital and past others and be seen to quickly. My sister and her partner attempted to cajole the man into walking into the hospital to no avail. So my sister's partner had a word in her ear and they did the sensible thing -they walked away left the man to carry on there on the ground, without an audience. Brilliant. I love my sister.

bloody school holidays (thanks, ethel :) )

2007-07-09T21:26:00.000+10:00

For some reason I'm unable to type up there in the title box -it just won't let me do it...the title tonight on this silly post is: bloody school holidays.

Well, it's the school holidays and I'm going quite quite quite mad, mental, daft, and all the rest of it BUT in spite of the fact that I'm going mad, must say that I'm really enjoying the Michael Palin Diaries -which I finally managed to get a copy of on Saturday. Been reading in bed the last couple of nights. It's the only time I can get to myself at the moment. Oh, and also got The Traveling Wilburys thingo with the two CDs and the DVD -I'd forgotten how good some of this stuff sounds! It sounds "bloody good", which is better then "good" and "great". It doesn't get better than "bloody good".

According to this article I might be here going mental for quite some time:

Aussies among world's longest living
Monday Jul 9 07:51 AEST

Australia has one of the highest life expectancies in the world, according to a new United Nations report.

The State of the World Population 2007 report prepared by the United Nations Population Fund reveals Australian women live to 83.4 years on average and men to 78.4 years.

This is higher than the average life expectancy of what the report terms "more developed regions", which stands at 79.8 years for women and 72.5 years for men.

The average life expectancy across the globe is 68.6 years for women and 64.2 years for men.

Of the 153 countries listed, only two had higher life expectancies than Australia for both genders.

In Hong Kong, men can expect to live to 79.2 years and women to 85.1 years while in Japan women survive for 86.3 years and men for 79.1 years.

So it would seem that if Australians can survive the red-back(ed?) spiders, red-bellied black snakes, the sharks, and high rate of melanoma, that we'll be about the place for quite a while.

Got me to thinking -the lady across the road from me is well into her eighties and still goes to the club to meet her friends, my grandparents are up in their eighties, my great-aunt is nearly ninety two -her parents were in their eighties as well when they passed away -we are indeed a long-lived mob.

But it does make me wonder why ? For what reason would Australians live longer than most? Is it simply because we enjoy hanging around and being annoying and stirring people? Is it the mostly-pleasant weather? Abundance of fresh food? The fact that we don't take ourselves too seriously -we're usually the first to laugh at ourselves? The sense of mateship? What the hell is it? Our healthcare is at, I think, number three in the world -is that part of it? Why can't we be killed with a meat axe??

Speaking of death -my son has a distinct deathwish -today he has been repeatedly watching a cricket DVD -driving me insane. When he's not watching cricket he watches an instructional golf video. His idea of a bedtime story is a book about the rules of cricket and how World Series cricket started. You have a lot to answer for, Kerry Packer!! (not a long-lived Aussie, obviously). My son likes to hear the world 'pitch' and I have to read the page that mentions it quite a lot. I don't give a toss about cricket. It certainly is an act of love that I would masochistically buy anything sport related for my son. I don't wanna see it.I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna read it. At all.

Today I set my son up with a big sketch pad and various crayons and textas. Gave him the instruction to "draw a nice picture for Mum" - thought that it would keep him occupied while I went to have a shower. As soon as I got in the shower he must have snuck off to watch the golf video - not so much as a coloured dot on the page. Virgin white paper. I daresay that it amused me more than any "picture" he might have scribbled. But what a little bugger, to sneak off like that. Ah, he's not silly.

In the last few days I've been working my guts out around this place sorting things and moving things, like some kind of mad woman -I have a sense of urgency that these things MUST BE DONE. I'm very tired and rather crochetty. Have had to deal with a bloody annoying government department again today -they really do annoy the hell out of me -wanting to know about every cent that you have in your bank account .I have to go have an annoying meeting with an annoying wanker person next week - it's a bit too Big Brother for my liking. They drive me barmy. I sat on the loo this afternoon and had a good bawl after dealing with them on the phone. If you've not tried it, the loo is a fantastic place to have a bawl -all that toilet paper on hand to wipe your nose on. Excellent, really. Much better than the shower, which is traditionally where you are meant to have a bawl.

So, in short, enjoying: Michael Palin and the Traveling Wilburys. Oh, and bought 2 seventies-style cardigans on the weekend -good stuff. Not enjoying: wanker government departments, this rainy day, excessive cricket and golf = mental situation.

you're as cold as ice

2007-06-29T12:13:00.000+10:00

Yesterday my neighbour told me something that made me wince, cringe, and want to cross my legs all at the same time. Much the same reaction as I had when I viewed a photo on yeah hims's blog of a man with a bull's horn about to.....oh, go see it for yourself so you can go oowww.

This neighbour had to go have have a pregnancy check up -and as she was complaining about being uncomfortable and feeling pain in a particular area, she was given this advice:

Get (semi) naked and sit down on the floor on a bowl of icecubes.

And just a reminder that IT'S WINTER OVER HERE!!!!!! In the year 2007, that's the best they can do??? Surely by now there would be some product such as...oh, I don't know..... wee wee numbing cream??? Can you imagine a man sitting with his balls in a bowl of ice???

I can't help but think that it it were men carrying the future generation there would be some effort put into solving the problem beyond sitting on a bowl of ICE!!! Never be using that bowl for anything else ever again, that's for sure. Except maybe to throw up in.

And in a complete change of subject -my 20 year school reunion is coming up soon. What a freaky thought-20 years. And it is that odd thing of feeling that it has gone by in the blink of an eye -and yet, I feel every one of those days. I often think that I'd give anything to go back to the senior study -where the Year 12s used to hang out -and just REALLY ENJOY it for what it was -enjoy the freedom and the camaraderie. I've been getting involved, helping to contact a few people -one boy/man I hadn't even spoken to since leaving school, even though he's a relative of some description. So we will have this one night to gloss over the main details of our lives and separate again and that's it. For some reason I didn't realise that when you leave school your life doesn't ever get to be that way again-adult responsibilties arrive and you move onto a different stage and cannot ever recapture the previous stage. It doesn't seem to matter how much time passes, this thought still bothers me. I don't know why I didn't appreciate it more at the time. Anyway, all I'm doing is making myself feel mopey, so now will mention what I've been listening to today as a distraction.

Been listening to a tape called more oldies that I made on the 30-12-90. It's sounding pretty good today. Some of the things on it:

go now - the moody blues

peace frog - the doors

summer in the city - the lovin' spoonful

hang on sloopy - the mccoys

eleanore - the turtles

itchycoo park - small faces

frozen orange juice -peter sarstedt

tin soldier - small faces

turn, turn, turn - the byrds

eight miles high - the byrds

mr spaceman -the byrds

5D (fifth dimension) - the byrds

so you want to be a rock n' roll star - the byrds

my back pages - the byrds

season of the witch - donovan

catch the wind - donovan

the sun ain't gonna shine anymore - the walker brothers

she's not there-the zombies

if i needed someone - the beatles

run for your life - the beatles

love is only sleeping - the monkees

the girl i knew somewhere - the monkees

circle sky - the monkees

The Byrds are sounding particularly good today - all that jangliness is somehow cutting through the winter chill. When I say winter chill, I think it might be around 17 C...so just checking..that would be around 64 F. Love is only sleeping sounds good today as well. Oh, and also frozen orange juice -I never was so keen on that one -but it sounds very good to me today. The bit You rescue me, I rescue you You rescue me, I rescue you, yes I do -I think it's so sweet that a man would write that. Frozen orange juice sounds good, but frozen...other things... most definitely do not ;) .

that very nice man known as michael palin

2007-06-24T14:18:00.000+10:00

Well, here he is - about time he had another mention here.

The reason for it today is that he was on Parky last night - I think a lot of Michael Parkinson as well. He's just part of the furniture by now.

I noticed at the end of the show that it said 2006 -so that'd be right!! -we'd have to get the show ages behind!! Anyway, Michael was on there talking about his diaries -which I know that the lovely ethel has had for quite some time -I'm jealous, ethel - don't get near proper shops often and the last time I did the book was nowhere to be seen, more's the pity. Ah, it'll keep.

Anyway, Michael was on Parky saying about how years ago he was on Saturday Night Live and how he thought that his career was all over there and then because a sketch in which he put seafood down his trousers and then put two cats down there went wrong and they didn't want to stay down his trousers -even though they were happy to go down his trousers during rehearsal - and I think he said the cats shat on him or at very least piddled on him and there was no time to clean up and he had to do other sketches with the stinking mess all over him. Excellent.

The way my sense of humour is, I get more amusement out of hearing how it all went wrong than I would have out of seeing the sketch run smoothly. It's odd how people will find some things funny, and others not.

I have watched a movie with a friend before and we have laughed in different places. Weird. Like my mother finding that movie Rat Race funny -I didn't at all. One of my sisters and I both enjoyed About A Boy. My Mother and other sister didn't -but that sister and I both love the movie Mother and the other sister doesn't. Mum doesn't either. You would assume that if two people find a particular movie funny, that those two people would find other things similiarly funny -but it isn't the case. Humour is, indeed, a funny thing. Odd odd odd.

Anyway, after being on the phone today I wonder if I'm not evil to laugh at this - my sister works as a paramedic and related an incident in which a big fat drunk man in a little Mr Bean-style vehicle had an accident at the KFC carpark and flipped his car over. He managed to get himself out but wouldn't let my sister and another parademic look at him. In my sister's words: "there were ten hundred police cars there" (it does make me wonder how someone who would use the expression "ten hundred" managed to get through uni??) -like it was a full scale emergency or something. Anyway, the guy continued to be obstinate and wouldn't let the ambos look at him and wouldn't even talk to them, which frustrated my sister immensely-he most probably just felt like an idiot -and ended up being carted off by the cops in the paddy wagon. I reckon that he probably just had the dirts because he missed out on getting a big feed of chicken and mashed potato.

Anyway, because I'm demented, more than likely, I've been grinning about the above incident ever since my sister told me. And of course part of it is that I know how cranky my sister would have been with the silly man being an obstinate fool -because she is not exactly the most patient person..ahh, it kills me. She is becoming hardened to the job - had to deal with a man who tried to hang and gas himself .

But anyway, back to the point -Michael Palin. What would I do if I couldn't be buoyed up by seeing his silly face from time to time? I'm so very glad that he kept a record of all his doings. Ethel once put a little bit from the diaries on her blog and it was the funniest bloody thing ever. I'm quite convinced that without humour there would be more of us trying to hang and gas ourselves.

edit: just found this -heard it only once on the radio in 1985, but never forgot the name of the band and name of the song - after 22 years couldn't even remember how the song went. Solid chunky sound, no wonder it was appealing to teenage ears -especially when at that time you would turn on the radio to hear things like that revolting Power Of Love song -you know that "I'm your lady, you are my maaaaannn, when ever you reach for me ..." -blagghhhhh.

love like blood - killing joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVgMEsMZdcQ&mode=related&search=

do you think she's gone native, harry?

2007-06-19T18:58:00.000+10:00

This is just a post so that there will be something else instead of that awful hospital tale sitting here. And because I don't feel like going to have a shower and have dinner.

Who in their right mind would want to go strip off their things in winter? Though once you've actually had the shower, you're fine so long as you get your warm stuff on.

There's another thing I'm not so keen on in winter -and everybody knows the thing. Well, not EVERYBODY -it wouldn't bother a man so much -that thing when you get all settled in bed and get comfy and are in the best postition that you've even been in in your entire life and then you have to go to the loo. Or when you get in bed for a nice read and then think:oh, I'll just have a nice read and then go to sleep, but then you have to get out and go to the loo before you can even think about sleep. And then after you get settled in bed you have to go to the loo. So having a nice read means that you might have even had to go to the loo twice. Must drink too much.

At the moment I'm reading The Love You Make -Peter Brown's insider's look at the Beatles. A Great Aunt bought it for me when I was sixteen. If she had known what was in it , she might not have!! Tales of Beatle adventures through the world of venereal disease, and how the women would iron their clothes while waiting in a line to shag them. What were they thinking??? (yes, we KNOW, of course, what they were thinking........but WHAT WERE THESE WOMEN THINKING!!!).

Tonight it is chicken soup for tea that I made last night -so I don't even have to cook it, have to reheat it -but having to get up from this spot does not seem appealing at all. I made extra tea last night so that we could eat it tonight at a reasonable time, but because of this utter procrastination tea will be later than ever. Tch tch.

Along these lines - I have Eating Like Elvis (as I like to refer to it) for about a month now -400 grams of chocolate at a time and making myself quite ill in the process. I'm going to end up turning into FATTY BOOMSTICKS WOMAN. I think it's a combination of the weather and crisis mode and a touch of "oh, you're sick anyway, just eat the stuff and enjoy it" -very sillly thinking.

And in a complete change of subject-check this out -Steve Poltz - I couldn't believe my luck today when I found him on youtube. Because I'm too daft to know how to put it here, will put the link here instead. He wrote this song with Jewel. They also wrote You Were Meant For Me . I'm not a fan of female singers as a rule - I like him singing it better than her (his is not at all polished). He has a fantastic DVD which was recorded at the Basement in Sydney -I wonder why he recorded it there and not in the U.S.? He is a true entertainer. He's very bloody funny as well -it's a good DVD. Below is just a run of the mill video, but not a bad song at all. It's from the album One Left Shoe. On the DVD he tells an excellent tale as to why the album was called that -and it involves weeing in a casino and David Cassidy. He also tells about the time he and his sister met Elvis.

Silver Lining -Steve Poltz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFzDz_wN9rw&mode=related&search

Go and have a look at Steve. Come on, you know you want to :).

And in an unrelated matter -my son has now become obsessed with the movie Lawrence of Arabia. He watched some of it with me the other night, and as it features ceiling fans, pool tables, a noisy motorbike, camel riding, and a match being lit(lighted?) it pleases him immensely. Must say I enjoyed it the other night -it felt like you were Really Watching A Movie. All 3 hours and forty minutes of it. Then watched all the special features. He is watching it now.

My favourite line from it was something along the lines of: Do you think he's gone native, Harry?

Hot shower and chicken soup await.

just shaking my head in disgust

2007-06-15T12:45:00.000+10:00

"A grieving mother says staff at Royal Darwin Hospital told her to bury a 17-week foetus in her backyard after she suffered a miscarriage.

Fiona Peters was forced to walk out of the hospital carrying the dead foetus on an uncovered kidney tray just four hours after she miscarried, NT News reports.

She kept the remains in her kitchen refrigerator for five hours while she decided what to do.
Peters, 35, was taken to Royal Darwin by ambulance after giving birth prematurely at her home in Moulden, Palmerston on March 26.

She and her husband Craig Redriff were shocked at the staff reaction upon entering the hospital with their dead child, who they had named Kaden.

Peters said she asked staff what she should do: "What happens now? What happens to his body?''

"All of them informed us that we take him home,'' she said.

"One even suggested we could always bury him in the backyard.''

If Kaden had been just three weeks older, he would have been weighed, issued a birth certificate and required to be buried formally.

But because he was only at 17 weeks, the hospital classified the remains as "tissue".

A nurse wrapped the foetus in a wet cloth, and handed the remains to the couple on a green kidney tray before asking them to leave the hospital.

"They said he was classified as a piece of tissue matter, but he wasn't — he was my baby," said Peters, who has two other children, aged four and nine.

"He was fully formed — he even had finger nails, which we really did not expect.''

The couple took the remains to a funeral home for burial later that evening.

"We didn't know what we were supposed to do with his body — this is Darwin and it gets hot,'' she said.

Royal Darwin general manager Robin Michael said the issue was being investigated.
"We acknowledge this situation is traumatic and, as a hospital, we have empathy with the family,'' she said."

Oh, can you just imagine if this was your child? It makes me sick. The poor family, poor baby.

It also makes me feel sick that if this woman had wanted to she could have legally aborted this baby at 17 weeks even though he was "fully formed... with fingernails". And she could have done so up until 20 weeks, when somehow, miraculously, overnight, the "tissue" is then considered a human being.

it's a fine line between pleasure and pain

2007-06-12T13:32:00.000+10:00

I haven't been about for a couple of days -as I wrote in the comment on the last post -been feeling pretty RS for a couple of days. Combination of stress and eating some things I shouldn't that have done the trick. Things could be better.

Anyway, will just put something here in case anyone wants anything new to read and is sick of seeing that wrinkly old bag when they come here (I am not referring to myself).

What do the above pictures have in common, you might well ask. It's amazing sometimes how things just come together and a MOMENT is created, for better or for worse.

This put a grin on my face. Came across this article in an old magazine that came with the newspaper. People were interviewed in this article as to their most embarrassing moment.

Here is the embarrassing moment of Mark McEntee -know him? - guitarist and songwriter with the Divinyls. As far as embarrassing moments go, it sure is a beauty.

"George Harrison was my hero - my favourite guitarist and an icon to me as a musician and a man. In about 1983, George came to Sydney to publicise a special-edition leather-bound book about the Beatles and I was invited to the books launch. Divinyls were pretty happening at the time - we had a couple of big hits on the radio and the Desperate album was top five. Even so, this lunch was at the Opera House and was very posh indeed - white tablecloths, swish cuisine, proper lunchy, y'know?

George was moving from table to table meeting everyone, all the while flogging this huge $700 tome. When he got to us, he raised an eyebrow. 'Ah, the rock' n' roll table!' . We all stood up to say hello and when it came my turn, I reached across this big table to shake his hand. Unfortunately, in my excitement, I ever-so-slightly twigged a glass of red wine on the table. The glass fell and we all watched in horror as - against all the laws of physics - the wine travelled horizontally and came to rest all over the crotch of Geroge's beautiful white suit.

Harrison's two security guards leapt forward to restrain me as I babbled, 'Oh, gawd. George, I'm so sorry.' George, bless 'im, immediately called off his boys and said something about an 'honest mistake' while his attendants madly dabbed at him with napkins and towels. in the end, he was dragged off to change outfits - he was about to do a TV interview - and I was left to ponder the moment. While My Crotch Gently Seeps? ".

If you've had a really embarrassing moment, do tell it if you feel like doing so. I can not tell you how in need of amusement I am at the moment. Why can't they just hurry up and do my bleeding operation?????? Grrr. And double Grrrrr (Grrrr). But that is funny about George -and doesn't it make him seem so very human? - and also very humble. How many celebrities would have chucked a hissy fit over that? That's part of the thing that I think some of us liked about him -he did come across as someone not in love with himself.

a wrinkle in time

2007-06-07T12:29:00.000+10:00

Photos like this really do serve a purpose besides cluttering up your inbox when people email them to you. It's true.

They make you feel better about yourself. Anyone who sees this is automatically going to think "Hey, I'm comparatively gorgeous" ;). It's all relative, isn't it?

My rear end might have a bit of cellulite that I'd rather it didn't - but at least it isn't all wrinkled. That is a good thing. Boobs are natural and roughly in the same area they are supposed to be. That is also a good thing. Yes, this is all very encouraging. Actually it might have a bit more at the moment -I suspect that I have crept up from 57kgs due to winter eating -it's a good enough excuse.

What male didn't receive an email of a PowerPoint presentation which showed an obese man with the smallest willy ever -and then develop a swagger and strut around thinking "Just call me Mr Holmes"?.

This is a post about nothing -as usual.

Can I tell you about my new pyjamas? Good. I love them, as far as a person can love something made of cloth. The pyjama bottoms are printed to look like a jersey cow, and the top is a pretty shade of blue, a bit like this except darker and it says on there : MOODY COW. Fan-bloody-tastic. And true. That's enough about the pyjamas for one day.

The Next Item On The Agenda: Movies

Last night watched The Mission (I think it was made in 1986) -not only a ripping yarn BUT OH THE EYE CANDY. Jeremy Irons, Aidan Quinn, Liam Neeson -even Robert Deniro didn't look too bad. Really found it to be quite interesting, and a visual treat -I mean the scenery, but the actors were easy on the eye as well. They were attractive, what can I say. Jeremy. Jeremy.

The next movie I'm going to watch is Lawrence Of Arabia because it's high time that I got to watching that one -you just wouldn't think that a person could get to this stage of life and not have watched this movie.

Some time back Peter O'Toole was on Parkinson and mentioned what a sore rear end he got while making this movie, so he got hold of some pink foam rubber to sit on . Apparently the locals were so impressed with the foam rubber -because they'd never thought of using it to ease their own poor sore rumps before - that he ended up supplying them with it. (This blog isn't called a load of old cobblers for nothing ;) ). All the important facts:find them here. Do you doubt it?

"Important Facts"

The brain is surounded by a membrane containing veins and arteries. This membrane is filled with nerves of feeling. However, the brain itself has no feeling;if it is cut into, the person feels no pain.

If 80% of you liver were to be removed, the remaining part would continue to function, and within a few months the liver would have reconstituted itself to its original size

Scientists estimate that they could fill a 1,000-volume encyclopedia with the coded instructions in the DNA of a single human cell if the instructions could be translated into English

The word "hussy" in the sixteenth century was perfectly respectable;it meant simply a housewife, derived from the short form of the Old English huswif. Only one century later, the word had come to mean a bold and shameless woman

Alligators and old people have something in common, at least auditorily. They can hear notes only up to 4,000 vibrations a second.

It seems that it's not the only thing they have in common, judging by the photo of the old bat. Could make a handbag out of that leathery old skin. It's Paris fifty years down the track.

It's a cold, rainy day here today -well, it is winter after all. Can't wait until tonight to get my jarmies back on. I also have been wearing, these last few chilly days: a lilac coloured cardigan over the top of the pyjamas, then a blue and white stripped cardigan(from the op-shop, a mans one), then a purple scarf, and also a brown beanie thing. Not to mention bedsocks with sheep on them and then navy blue slippers. Utterly delightful. Incredibly attractive and alluring -everyone should be thus attired.

This post does have a point after all. Who knew. And this is it: What do you wear to bed ,and why? Do tell.

we are all made of stars

2007-06-04T12:15:00.000+10:00

I can't help myself. More music trivia if anyone feels like playing.Remember, as with last time, not to cheat. Now, do go on. I did so enjoy those answers last time . Although landru-you didn't come back and answer those questions you asked -ooh, he's a very naughty boy ;).

1. The lady pictured had a hit with a Supreme's song in the eighties. (But it was nowhere as good as songs she had earlier on in the eighties (in my opinion :) - actually, I didn't like the song at all) . Her father was in a band with someone who went on to join the Moody Blues (and, yes, I did know that without reading the magazine, and it didn't even mention it in there :) ). Who is she? Can you name an earlier hit?

(ignore the thing that looks like drool coming from her chin -haha- it's just a scratch in the paper). Men probably drooled over her when she was young.

2. Who was "riding on the Marrakesh Express"?

3. Complete this song lyric: "Young and beautiful, but someday your looks will be gone,when..."

a. who sang it? b. who wrote it? c. you will have it in your head all day now - suffer :) .

4. Who was Carly Simon's You're So Vain rumoured to be about?

What do these stand for?

5. ABBA

6. ELO

7. OMD

8. TISM (ethel will probably know this if she sees it)

9. Which Australian band is named after a song by Wings?

10. Is Moby really related to the author of Moby Dick?

11. What was the first album released on Richard Branson's Virgin label? (everyone has heard of this record)

12. It was the 40th anniversary of a particularly well-known Beatles album just a couple of days ago. Can you name a couple of songs from it?

13. Which classic album opens with :It's getting to the point where I'm no fun any more I am sorry Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud I am lonely I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are You make it hard ?

14. Who was both a member of the Moody Blues and Wings (at different times)?

15. Who worked on the Beatles Love compilation with George Martin?

16. Who went North to Alaska?

17. Who did the backing vocals on the Tom Petty song All The Wrong Reasons?

18. What bands did Crosby, Stills, & Nash come from?

19. Who is Justin Hayward?

20. Who co-wrote the song Take it Easy with Glenn Frey?

21. Which member of C, S, & N was involved with Joni Mitchell?

22. Which pommy band had an album entitled The Twain Shall Meet?

23. What does the KD stand for in Miss Lang's name?

24. Who was the Okie from Muskogee?

25. Who had Brass In Pocket?

26. Which band Just Can't Get Enough?

27. You can't always get what you want, but if you...

28. Oh, that's more than enough, isn't it

29. Yes it is

30. Most definitely...

31. Just thought of another one. What was Golden Brown by the Stranglers about?

come on, kiddies, it's time for craft and a music quiz

2007-05-30T11:24:00.000+10:00

Subtitle: the quest for childishness continues...

Just for fun I googled the world tampon - homo escapeons got me to wondering why they were called that. Anyway - still don't know, but found a site about craft activities with tampons. And I thought I was mental.

There are step by step instructions on how to make these delightful creations and more as well.

"Tampon Flower Bouquet
Say “I love you” with the gift of flowers. This lovely bouquet will never wilt, and if you use scented feminine products, it will have a springtime-fresh fragrance".

"Tampon Halloween Hobgoblins
Tampons of Terror? We know some people have a fear of menstrual products, but these Halloween creations are more cuddly than blood-curdling".

Ethel -if you read this -there is also a tampon bat to have a crack at -hahaha - it really does look like a bat.

Here is the site

It's called: Tampon Crafts -for any time of the month

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/bouquet.html

Anyway, enough about plugs -for today at least. If I ever have a go at any of these for a stir will be sure to scan it and post it here just to be a complete ass.

MUSIC QUIZ

Does anyone feel like doing one?

But how would that work anyway? So if anyone comments you are not allowed to look at any one else's comments until after leaving your own. So, in other words, you have to scroll down without looking or hold something over the screen or something. Or else you could just cheat for fun, even though it would be utterly pointless, wouldn't it?. And no googling things -what about the old-fashioned thinking way. If you don't know the answers, just make up something, like Bert from Sesame Street or something. It would be good to make something up, just for fun. If you fancy doing it, just copy and paste the questions into the comment bit.

Now to think up some questions... O.K. into it...

1. What is Paul McCartney's first name? (hint, it's not Bert)

2.(it's hard to think up questions) What was George Harrison's favourite colour?

3. George was once married to Patti/e Boyd. Which famous drummer was married to her sister, Jenny? (again, not Bert)

4. Which song did Donovan write about Jenny?

5. Name the members of the Eagles (I mean the current line up, pretend one of them didn't leave :) )

6. Which of the Eagles does the drumming?

7. Name the two main guys in America

8.Which Wilburys are pushing up daisies?

9. Who told his friend Peter Tork to go audition for the Monkees?

10. No, I flat out refuse to ask the whose mother invented liquid paper question

11. It really is hard to think of questions and why am I even doing this

12. Neil Young has a child with cerebral palsy. True or false (trick question)

13.Which Wilbury resembles someone in the Rocky Horror Show?

14. Who is the oldest Finn -Neil or Tim?

15. Which member of Crowded House was found swinging from a tree?

16. Who was Dear Prudence?

17. Who was the Walrus?

18. The Housemartins wanted us all to join the what?

19. What is Morrisey's first name?

20. Linda McCartney was cruelly called a what with wings

21. Who is the sexiest member of the Rolling Stones?

22. How long is a ball of string?

23. Name the 2 guys in Soft Cell

24. Complete this quote: Paul McCartney goes to ( blank blank) and comes out with a triple album

25.And final question. Why did David Bowie change his name to Bowie in the first place?

What a daft lot of questions.

26. Oh, one more. Why did the Eagles call that tour, a few years back, "Hell Freezes Over"?

the case of the mysteriously disappearing tampon

2007-05-27T18:32:00.000+10:00

I have been flat out like a lizard drinking over the last few days. In spite of my best intentions to be utterly childish and only give adult things the attention they need....well,it seems that they needed a lot of attention. The computer hasn't even had a look in and I had to really stop and think what my blogger password was :) .

Such rivetting things as changing phone/internet provider -being on the phone to both companies. That was fun. Such a hoot. If you are stuck for entertainment, it is the way to go. Also been filling out forms for government departments. You haven't lived until you've filled out those forms. Most happifying. I had to resist the urge to write some questions underneath that it seems they forgot to ask e.g.:

What did you eat for breakfast this morning?

How many bowel motions have you had this week?

So, it would seem that someone in that department is slipping.

I have a huge bruise on my leg at the moment and I have wanted to draw on it with a texta and turn it into a piece of silverside/corned beef and draw some vegetables next to it -much in the way as I used to draw on my sister's chicken-shaped birthmark on her arm and make it look like a ...chicken. Just can't seem to get a minute to do it. That is one of the childish things that I want to do. Still haven't even gone and laid on the grass. Tch tch.

I have been working hard around this place moving furniture and stuff and doing a lot of cleaning because some new furniture is coming soon. One job just leads into another. Came across a scrapbook that I kept when I was around twenty - full of twaddle, as you could imagine. The picture above is from it.

If you are squeamish or easily appalled STOP READING:

On Friday I lost a tampon. Or thought I did. I had to get the mirror out because I didn't trust that there wasn't one there. All day long I was worried about a silly tampon. For men: (who may not be aware) a woman can die from toxic shock syndrome if she has a tampon in too long. That was fun fact #57. In the end I ascertained that I hadn't even used one,that it must have been the day before. Sometimes a period is sneaky - you think it's starting , but it's not really. It seems to happen as you get a bit older. Bloody nuisance, really.

Men think they have it so tough! Ha! Try losing a tampon :). The thing of it is that there's nowhere for it to go anyway, so where did I think it was going to disappear to? I can't believe that I got so stressed out about it. Silly. But that's what happens when you have an impending period. At least when you are me. You get silly, a bit absent minded, clumsy. And you look for tampon strings that aren't there. Rather mental when you think of it.

I went to buy meat on Thursday, got the change and then promptly dropped it all over the floor. Had to get down on the floor in a very ungainly fashion and lean in behind a fridge to get it. A coin also rolled under the counter to the side where the butcher was and then, after I pointed out this fact, he then also got down on the floor in a very ungainly fashion and was crawling about. It did amuse me, I must say. It cracks me up to think of it now.

I said to him : "It's always a good thing to see a man grovelling on the ground" and he said, in typical Australian fashion,: "Oi, don't be cheeky!! :)".

I was remembering this silly exchange as I came out from the bathroom freshly showered on Friday night and, grinning to myself, reached into the oven where the frying pan lives in order to make dinner and absent- mindedly flipped the frying pan out with a flourish, forgetting that it was full of water as I had left it to soak way back on Monday night, tipping the soapy-yet greasy-contents all over the floor and throughout the oven and a perfectly clean baking dish that also lives in the oven. I said out loud: "Ah, you're a champion". For anyone from another country who doesn't understand how we operate over here, that was sarcasm ;). And then in my nice clean pyjamas had to clean up all that mess and wash the frying pan before I could think about making tea. That, my friends, is the reality of life right there.

So I disappeared from here for a week and have come back and written this rot, but what would you expect. Serves you right for visiting here.

roy g biv

2007-05-18T12:31:00.000+10:00

When I see things like this I wish I had a decent camera, but in between times I forget about it until the next time I see something I wish I had a decent camera for. I am the only person in the world without a digital camera.

Got the film this was on developed yesterday. It was taken on the 8th of April, the day that I was cranky as hell at augustus for buggering around and trying to put up a silly carport.

I had forgotten that I'd taken this and I can't fully express to you the happiness I felt yesterday when I found it as I sat flicking through the new photos outside the chemist.

I was doing a lot of bits and pieces down the street which I really didn't have the energy for and it gave me a little boost to keep on going. Why?, you might well ask -because it got me to thinking some daft thoughts that made me feel a bit better - O.K., think about it -a drab, grey, drizzly day -but there's a rainbow there. Did my boy even care about the drizzle? Couldn't care less -he was happy to spend some time with his Dad, augustus, and play cricket right there in the paddock. He didn't care that we were three hours late. He was, and is, just happy to be alive.

Made me think that things are only as much of a problem as we allow them to be in our mind -it's how we deal with it. So I think that's the thing - just be happy to be alive -anything good that happens is just a bonus.

So the solution is to become even more of a child. Adults - we spend our lives organising everything and thinking about details and doing paperwork and forgetting how to live properly. So , scary to say, I'm going to try to become even sillier in an attempt to try and remember how to live, just as a child does.

I might go in the backyard one day soon and just lie down on the grass and remember what that feels like - and who gives a toss what the neighbours think of that.

The next time I see them I'm going to pull the locust shells off the fence and see how many I can collect, before pulverising them :) -used to love doing that.

I'm going to paint some flowers on the shed in bright colours. The more garish the better.

I think we should all aim to do at least one childish or kiddy thing a day. That does not include wetting pants or decorating the wall with dinner. Making a macaroni necklace, however, is allowed.

As for adult responsibilities and worries -they are going to get the attention they need and no more than that. I have better things to fill my head with - such as drawing a picture for no reason.

if i needed someone to love you're the one that i'd be thinking of if i needed someone

2007-05-15T10:48:00.000+10:00

I tried that thing that someone on stace's blog suggested -to google your name and the word needs. Well, I must say that it was a bit of silly fun and here is what came up:

lee needs more support (yes)

lee needs glasses (no, the old eyes are hangin in there yet)

lee needs love (probably, the real kind)

lee needs to leave walmart (depends if anything is on sale)

lee needs to be shown the backdoor (?? do do do looking out my backdoor -really is quite disturbing when you think of it)

lee needs an assessment (very true, this isn't news to me or anyone reading this blog, more than likely)

lee needs better oversight (I should have omitted this one (yes, I know, was just being daft))

lee needs a big dose of fiscal discipline (not true, am sensible enough in this regard)

lee needs some love (how would "some love" differ from "love"? -that's what I'm asking)

lee needs to re-examine link to confederate general (what the?)

Anyway, it was fun. If you need fun give it a go. I wonder if if would work with the word "is" ?

lee needs fun.

P.S. the is sort of works, but not really.

where do the children play

2007-05-12T19:26:00.000+10:00

My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful little dark-haired girl. She's lovely. I am officially rather envious and quite clucky.

It has had the effect of making me feel very old and obsolete. Nothing like seeing evidence of new life to remind you that your life isn't going where it ought.

I would love another baby but the fact is that I'm not far off 37. It's not that far from 40 and a 40 year old has a 10% chance of conceiving naturally. I guess it doesn't help that my health isn't crash hot and the small problem that there needs to be another party involved. Augustus would offer his genetic material...but...no.... Oh well, just have to play Aunty. I have plans for my niece already that involve her coming and checking my chin for coarse hair and plucking it when I'm a Really Old Bat-because by then my eyesight will be going. I do this for my Great Aunt-haha. Good to be useful for something :).

Watched that show on SBS last night about the Sperminator -that sicko doctor guy who used his own sperm to impregnate women. They reckoned that there were about 75 children that he fathered all living nearby each other. Bloody sick awful looking fat man. Wanker man.

Food Binge Confession

This afternoon I medicated myself with food as consolation. If you can't have a baby might as well look like you're having one, right? Ah, I guess I can afford to put some weight on at the moment. A meat pie - if anyone reading this has never had a proper Australian plain meat pie, you have missed out in life. Then a packet of burger rings, a packet of twisties, and then, to round out the binge, a 250 gram block of chocolate. If you're going to have a binge, do it properly or not it all. Give it your all.

Nothing to do with a food binge

I saw on the telly yesterday the vegan couple in strife for feeding their baby soymilk and apple juice. BLOODY HELL!!! How the hell did they expect the baby to survive on that??? - the poor little thing didn't stand a chance. It also makes me wonder that if the vegan mother's diet was so bloody fantastic, why couldn't she breastfeed anyway? You'd think they might have taken notice of the time that another couple lost their baby for pretty much the same reason - they gave their baby ricemilk and expected it to survive. PROTEIN, YOU VEGANS - your baby needed some proper protein. If soy is such a good source of it - as vegans believe - THE BABY WOULDN'T HAVE DIED.

The photo of Ratty here - I know better now - he has a bumper around his cot -it's really not a good idea to have them -the baby can have trouble breathing if they are up against it. He was such a dear little funny baby. He met all his milestones early. What times he would have had with a brother or sister to torment.

Speaking of Ratty -he's probably starving right now because, unlike his mother, he didn't have a food binge this afternoon and it's well and truly teatime. If he could talk he'd probably tell everyone what a cow his mother is :) .

the wind in the willows

2007-05-09T14:52:00.000+10:00

On the weekend I was almost run over by a pushbike (was that YOU, Aidan??!). I know that sounds a bit funny, but it wasn't. In fact, it wasn't just me, it was my son as well. One of the nicknames I give my son is Ratty, so he will henceforth be known here as Ratty. It should be noted that this does not mean that I am Mole and that ex-husband Augustus is Toad. Actually, Toad is kind of fi.....

So Ratty and I are crossing the road and we get halfway across when this idiot comes flying -and I mean flying- around the corner and goes just behind us. I was thinking things not lawful to be uttered when there was a THUD - he crashed into a car that was pulling out from the curb and he ended up sprawled, unmoving, on the road. It was absolutely sickening. He ended up being O.K. , but you can imagine the distress of the lady driving the car. I know how I felt.

The lady wouldn't have seen him coming due to his great speed, but also until that last second my son and I crossing the road would have blocked her view -and for the same reason the bike rider wouldn't have seen her pulling out. But the speed he was travelling at -WHAT A WANKER!! - AND NO HELMET, EITHER!!! So, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I'd been half a second -literally-slower in walking it could have been very nasty and Ratty might be in a real mess right now.

Anyway, the thing of it was that it was the icing on the cake. Just one of those things that makes you feel that you have no control. At the moment I am having what could be described as some kind of Crisis. Everyone gets them to some extent from time to time, I daresay. Being on a surgery waiting list is just doing my head in. It might be another year yet and this waiting is simply unbearable. I can't stand this feeling like shite business. The thought of even going out and mowing the lawn seems like a huge big daunting job. Just not having a good time period -you know how it gets like that? And I think it's not helping that my sister is due to give birth in three days time to her third child. I don't begrudge her anything at all and am happy for her. But sometimes it's hard when you feel that things are falling apart and other people around you have got it together. Enough of that. Hopefully this feeling will pass. I just feel that I'm not going to make it, that's just how it feels. And I can't shake it.

Anyway -something utterly unrelated. A couple of days ago I watched Mad Max for the first time in years. What struck me was the music -oh dear! So overly dramatic. At one stage in particular I felt that any minute Graham Chapman would walk out of the building in his colonel uniform and say: "That's just too silly!".

Other things I've been re-watching lately...let me think... The Village - they shut themselves away in there to escape the outside world, but actually end up living more in fear than those in the outside world do -which I guess is the point of it all. Been watching some others but can't think of them offhand. The next one, I think, shall be Gosford Park again. Movies are providing some much-needed distraction at the moment -and they don't require any energy output.

Speaking of energy -Ratty is still obsessed with wind. This morning I'm getting him dressed for school -he gains eye contact and then lets one rip. He was sitting on the bed -the wind in the pillows. Well done, son. Lovely start to the day. So long as he doesn't think that people in the supermarket and other public places will be impressed by his prowess in this regard, I don't mind.

every 1's a winner

2007-05-04T10:02:00.000+10:00

Good morning. It's time for a rant. That's the thing about calling your blog a load of old cobblers. You can just go on with twaddle because you've already announced that it's twaddle and no one expects to find anything but twaddle. What an odd little word twaddle is, actually. I wonder what the actual proper dictionary definition of it is...let me see...

twaddle n informal trivial or nonsensical speech or writing;drivel.

Yeah, that about covers it.

For the record, it comes directly after TVP abbr trademark textured vegetable protein. Steer clear of that stuff - MSG.

Was watching a current affairs show last night. It gave me the dirts. A girl on there -23 years old, 3 kids to 3 different fathers. Had the first one at 16.

She had the audacity to be on there complaining over the fact that she's had to wait too long for public housing. Can't get private rental as she had been very lax with paying the rent in the past. A responsible lass, obviously.

What I found quite incredible about it was that she was obviously able to contact a television station and arrange to have her whinge on television and yet doesn't have a grasp of BASIC CONTRACEPTION. Oops -maybe the first one is a silly accident as a silly young girl -but 2 more after that? Whatever happened to KEEPING YOUR KNICKERS ON. Grrr. If the BBC makes another series of Grumpy Old Women, I'm there.

Speaking of knickers, or to more precise, people who give the impression that they don't seem to keep them on and maybe don't own any (where should the commas be in that sentence) - the Pussycat Dolls. I think it was last week I found myself watching that show. Why? Because I need help and am obviously mentally disturbed. They looked, to me, like a bunch of sluts. That's just how they look. And one of them whinging and whining because she couldn't get any "proper food" -the silly little scrag wanted a feed of a burger and fries. Is that really what passes as proper food in some households? Unbelievable. I just can't imagine wanting to be in a band where the prerequisite is that you make yourself look like an utter mole. The name of the band is wrong -it should be the Mole Dolls.

Ooohh -who's in a snippy mood today, then?

As revealed in my last post, I live with a person who thinks it's funny to break wind. Personally, I think it's funny as well but don't tell anyone. I mean I think it's funny when he does it, NOT when I do it. BUT, of course, I don't do it because I'm a woman and everyone knows that it's only men who fart, not women. O.K., it's not true, but just go with it. And because I find toilet humour somewhat amusing I wish to post this little quote from Wil Anderson- back from February -I only got around to reading it the other day.

Wil wrote a piece about the recycled water issue and here is a snippet:

"But, regardless of public opposition, it looks as if the Federal government is going to try to pass a motion through parliament - although I'm not sure the term "pass a motion" is the best choice of words. As of yet, there are no firm dates.
Once this is done, they will need to sell the idea to the public. Maybe they need to appeal to out patriotism. They could change the opening line of the national anthem to, "Australians all let us rejoice, for we are girt by wee!"
Maybe they need to think outside the cubicle. Sure, some people are turned off by the idea that the water they drink may have already been through someone else's kidneys, but what if that was the selling point? "Evian may be French and wet, but this water's been through Cate Blanchett!".

On that nice note I think I should go get going and have a belated breakfast before I get going again about who knows what. By the way, it's going to be a vegetable juice and then 2 eggs and toast. Then, if I still feel peckish, a bowl of cereal. Then maybe a handful of almonds.That's what happened when you leave breakfast until quite late. You just go overboard. That was just in case anyone wanted to know what I was going to eat. There are crazy people out there who want this kind of information ;) .

The number of new things you now know after reading this post: none.

what's wrong with that i'd like to know cause here i go again

2007-04-29T16:44:00.000+10:00

I have never been one to eat crab. Have never eaten it before.This crookedly cut out cooking hint from a famous Naked chef pretty much guarantees that this here lady will continue on never eating crab. Won't be eating it anytime soon. Particularly liked the bit about shoving the skewer into the head. Nice.

I am a clipper. What I mean is -a clipper of articles. I am not a boat. Just wanted to verify that for casual readers in case they think I'm some new-fangled type of boat . Sorry to disappoint -just a human lady who cuts out silly items from magazines and such.

Here is an example from the first of April:

"SAO PAULO: A Brazilian housewife was convicted and sentenced to 19 years in prison for killing her husband, chopping his corpse into small pieces and frying it".

To that I say: It's always good to be open to new ideas, and it does make me wonder if she just fried him plainly or did she season him rosemary and other herbs first? Wonder if she served him with a side dish of crab?

Here's a quote from Wil Anderson that took my fancy:

"My motto is that you're only young once, but anyone can be immature"

And another Wil quote just for stace "....my all-time favourite gadget is my electric drill. I've gone crazy with it. My house now has more holes in it than the script for The Da Vinci Code".

Anyway, I'm just going on with crap here because I'm on the brink of writing something that is Important To Me -something I said I'd never write about here -but you know how sometimes you just get to the point? It's like that.

A couple of days ago my neighbour said something that just annoyed the hell out of me. Actually, it wasn't the first time she said it but maybe I'm just getting more barmy as time goes on.

She said to me again that she wished she could swap her children for my son because he's better behaved. My blood started to boil. I said "No, you really don't mean that. You think you do, but you don't". She started to say :"Yes, but..." I said: "What you see is the result of many years of hard work". And then I went inside, before I told her to eff off or something as equally polite.

When my son was around 13 months of age he stopped talking and started regressing. At 2 years and 2 months he was given a diagnosis of autism.

At that point Life As We Knew It ceased to exist and instead became the rounds of hearing tests, appointments with complete wankers of psychologists, speech therapists etc.

My son spent most of the day shrieking because his hearing was too sensitive .Everything hurt him. I couldn't cut his fingernails or toenails. Or get his haircut for that matter.

Plans for another baby went out the window until our son could be helped in some way.

It wasn't until my son was 4 years old that we got some real help -auditory integration training. And then, later on, information from a specialist on how to deal with the problem with dietary measures. Thank goodness for that.

At some point the marriage went to buggery. Too much grief, financial stress, shift work. The usual stuff.

My son is 12 now. He's a good kid most of the time. Has hair, toe nails and fingernails cut with no problem . Loves to watch any kind of sport -cricket, tennis, footy of all kinds -even AFL-will even watch bowling. He can catch and throw a ball, but that's as far as it goes with him. Makes it a bit difficult to participate in games if you can't understand the rules at all.

He is mad about music. Just last night we had a Funky Disco in his bedroom. He had blue pyjamas and green beanie(pullled down over his eyes) and I had my very teenagerish Pretty In Punk PJs on . We danced to Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John (he wanted it on), Silly Love Songs by Wings. It's a favourite in this household - I used to sing it to him as a lullaby, oddly enough. My Girl by Chilliwack. I hold his hands and he dances in a weird way, but it makes him happy.

What can I say? We are utter dags in this household. My son loves to listen to songs such as Life In a Northern Town by The Dream Academy. Anything that sounds good to him, he will put on -so it could be ABBA, the Smiths, the Cure, the Carpenters. Whatever. It makes my heart glad that music gives him so much pleasure, just as it did me at his age.

There is a Travis song that he puts on from time to time and plays over and over and it upsets me -As you Are - "Everyday I wake up alone because I'm not like all the other boys". Does he just like the sound of it, or do the words mean something to him? He can't tell me so I'll never know. Just as I don't know what he thinks about anything else, either.

That's why the neighbour's silly comments drive me completely mental. I'll never even know what my boy is thinking ( and there's the small point that his life is screwed) and she's worried because her perfectly normal children won't behave properly -which is her own fault anyway?? What a silly woman. She has no idea. She has no idea of what she HAS -and so obviously does not appreciate it.

Actually, I tell a lie - I know what he's thinking sometimes -he's thinking that he will stir his mother up by DELIBERATELY letting off, just to get a reaction out of me and then kill himself laughing. Little bugger. Young boys with their toilet humour.

Today my son was sitting on the benchseat in the backyard sobbing. For no reason. Just crying. Couldn't be consoled. I wonder sometimes when he gets like that -does he KNOW? Does he feel trapped inside his own head? Pat his back and try and make him feel better. That's all you can do -try and make his life better. And make sure and run away when he deliberately lets off while you're tucking him in bed :) .

you can't start a fire, you can't start a fire without a spark

2007-04-22T13:11:00.000+10:00

Dear oh dear. It's time for a whinge. It's good to have one of those from time to time. The first thing I'd like to have a whinge about is Bjork. Some months ago I got an ex-rental copy of Dancer In The Dark for $1.50 or something. A few years(?) after it came out I finally got to watching it. Why did I bother? And I was ripped off as well!

I thought it was naught but a wank.

This is why I thought it was a wank:

- the fact that Bjork's character was gradually going blind was no reason for her to play the part as though she was mentally deficient. I wanted to slap her. Quite hard.

-the moral code that won't allow her to reveal the secret of the man who stole her hard-earned money somehow allows her to make up bollocks and lie in court? Crap.

- she doesn't want to reveal to her son that he will go blind as well, so in order to hide that fact she would rather get the death sentence, die ,and be separated from him forever? Please excuse my french - there just no other word that will cut it -WHAT A LOAD OF ???? !!!! Any parent watching will probably have thought the very same thing.

What a very silly movie, shouldn't have watched it through. Found it particularly difficult to handle her singing. Particularly in the hanging scene where she is wailing and carrying on -and then she continues on wailing and that is the singing. I was thinking: oh please hurry up and hang her. And when they did uttered aloud: oh, what a relief. Then the curtain is closed around her and that is supposed to be clever, like she got to perform. But it was just a wank. I am going to give the video away to a friend who enjoyed it when it came out -she thought it was very sad and moving. She doesn't have a child, incidentally.

Might just have to publish this bit of the whinge because the screen has buggered up and I don't want to continue typing until I get it sorted. Might go hang some washing out and get back to it.

Now the spacing has all stuffed up and there's nothing I can do about it, either.

The second thing I would like to have a whinge about today is this:

I went on a country drive with a man the other day. I felt like I had to pass a test. I was quizzed on the types of trees, why they had been planted etc. We were eating lunch under trees and I was asked as to what variety they were -it wasn't enough to say gum trees, I was supposed to know what type of gum they were and "why didn't I know because I grew up there".

I daresay the man is nice enough in his own way, but not in a way that appeals to me.

My tip for him ( or any other man who, for reasons known only to himself, wants to impress me) : DON'T ASK ME IF I'VE EVER DONE A WEE STANDING UP THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET ME.

Call me silly, but that doesn't really do it for me. I've known augustus for 15 years and I don't think he ever asked that!! Why would you ask it in the first place??? Why why.

I wrote a nice email and said that I didn't feel any kind of spark there and goodbye but he wrote back and said that we should go back to the same place again. I haven't answered it.

Anyway, this has been some kind of premenstrual rant. It's a weird time in my head at the moment with dreams of being in my old school trying to get out the window onto the concrete ledge, fleeing from a gunman who resembles Martin Bryant -amazing how things, events, become twisted around in your head. You know how sometimes you go through a stage where everything(life) seems just a bit TOO real, but at the same time you are drifting a bit? Oh, can't explain it any better than that.

Now for a good thing:

Last night got to watching the bonus disc of the George Harrison concert for Bangladesh thingo. Thoroughly enjoyed seeing George and Bob Dylan doing If Not For You together -and George was so obviously into it. That made my day to see that. It doesn't take much, really. Just not questions about weeing. That doesn't make my day :) .

Anyone ever been on a bad date? Ever been asked about your toilet habits?

help!

2007-04-14T18:52:00.000+10:00

This plate of chips is way too small. I mean the image is too small. There do appear to be plenty of chips on the plate.This is what is on my mind as I write this: hot chips. Does it show?

I am supposed to be making tea at the moment. This is what I'm fancying at the moment - some leftover chicken patty thingos (made from scratch, good eating) -they are delicious, truly they are, home made hot chips and half an avocado. All that detail in case anyone, any person on the planet at all, might be wondered what this Australian lady might be fancying for tea on this Saturday night. Maybe after that will that will get into some Kettle chips because the above just won't be enough food.

I thought that it was time to put in an appearance here so that people wouldn't think I was dead. I don't like that thing when you wonder if other bloggers are dead. But you know what I mean -if the same post sits there for too long you get to wondering if they might be dead, maimed at the very least.

I don't actually have anything to tell. Could have a whinge about augustus. Augustus was here over the long weekend to haunt me. Oh, for anyone who is unaquainted with augustus -augustus gloop is the alias of my ex-husband. He knows that it is his alias on here and seems unperturbed about that fact.

We made plans to go somewhere -it was all sorted as to what time we were going etc. We were giving someone else a lift as well. BUT augustus gets up and decides that he will pick that very morning to ERECT A CARPORT!!!!!! He has had some silly carport kit thingo tucked aways in the caravan that he stays in when he's here for around 3 years BUT HE DECIDED TO PUT IT UP THAT DAY!!!!!

Anyway -he rang someone else to help him put the thing up BUT instead of the person just getting in their car and driving here he said he would go pick the person up -half an hour away. So - do the math - that's 2 hrs out of the day for a start by the time he took the person home again. AND WHY did he offer to go get them???? I WILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!! ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They spread all the bits of the thing all over the backyard. Did I mention that it kept raining on and off as well which was driving me mad because it kept showering over the washing. It was driving me BLOODY MAD. Meanwhile the day is slipping away......... while augustus and ...O.K....it was his Dad....were buggering around in the backyard.

Oh! But wait!!!!! Augustus realises that he hasn't got the roof of the thing or.......... THE INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!! He and his father go searching through the van, declare that they've gone through everything and that the 2 things are not there . Augustus was implying that I had moved things (these things are, of course, always some one else's fault) .

End result -nothing achieved. Very irate ex-wife.

The next day I went out to the van, lifted up one thing and there was the tarp, the instructions, and a heap more pipes for the stupid carport.

We did get where we were going -just 3hrs late.

The Beatnix coaster is there because that is who I went to see with a commenter here known as angel a couple of weeks ago. Angel said that she felt as though she was at a "geriatric's ball" because of all the old codgers there. We had to be just about the youngest there, eventhough we were there because angel, the poor old bat ;) , wanted to go there for her 40th. By the way, angel - I did overhear some rather interesting conversation that night BUT my lips are sealed :) . I really did enjoy the lambshank tea, by the way. I was rather amused at angel's disappointment over not being about to get a result on the breathi/a/y?liser(I really can't spell it at all) thingo.

Comments on the Beatnix -the John was wearing a VERY SILLY wig that was way too long and hung in his eyes -in fact you couldn't see his eyes at all until he came out in his Sgt Pepper costume for the second half of the show -haha. The George and Paul weren't too bad . The Ringo didn't appear particularly attractive to me at all BUT one of the other girls said she liked him the best, so you never can tell. They did all the usual songs and did a good job of it at that. I would have liked to hear something like And your Bird Can Sing -but that's it, isn't it? We can't have everything in life, can we? -as everyone has discovered by this point in life.

At this point in time I have had an interesting offer from an ex-Alaskan living in this country and I'm thinking it over. It's in there somewhere with the hot chips all churning around. I got so stressed out with thinking over too many things the night before last that I actually did something weird -made a mental checklist in which I listed everything was was bothering me and then went through it and said things like: augustus, I've worried enough about you tonight and ticked him off and then went to the next problem and did the same thing -went though everything and the end result was sleep.

Anyway, I'm going on with twaddle here and tea needs to be made. I hope that whoever is reading will have a very nice tea tonight as well because there's nothing like a good feed that sticks to your sides. Have a good weekend wherever you are.

my mind is on the blink

2007-04-08T21:05:00.000+10:00

I'm (so) tired.

pumpkins progress

2007-03-30T17:06:00.000+10:00

Keshi noticed I hadn't been blogging in a few days so thought I would write something here before the weekend. Something of great importance:

PUMPKIN UPDATE

As noted in previous entry, I planted some pumpkin seeds. That was on a Wednesday. Six days later - so the Tuesday we just had, in other words, I go to have a squiz at them and noticed that eight of them had come up!!!! WOO HOO!!!

Then on Wednesday the 28th I noticed that sixteen of the things had come up. Yesterday it was seventeen, and today -twenty!!!!

Hell!!! Am I to be overtaken by marauding pumpkin vines???? Will it be a scene akin to the red weed in War Of The Worlds???? What is to be done???? The Day Of The Pumpkins. I have visions of the vines snaking their way through the bathroom window at night and making their way up the hallway and into the bedroom and wrapping their tendrils around my legs and pulling me down into....not sure what the next bit should be...an abyss of rotting pumpkins or something. What was that silly send up movie called -the one with the pumpkin headed lawn mower killer??? I don't mean that there was someone with a pumpkin head going around killing lawn mowers, rather that the pumpkin headed guy rode a lawn mower. As if you didn't work that out, anyway.

Enough about killer pumpkins.Enjoyed the return of The Chaser's War On Everything the other night. The send up of the Free Hugs thingo was excellent. Typically Australian -FREE FEEL UPS. Also there was a sign with FREE ROOTS. Australians -what a classy bunch we are(?).

I picked up the tape of the Somewhere In time soundtrack this week for twenty cents - I cannot tell you how good it sounds. Whether you actually liked the movie or not, the music was fantastic. Poor old Christopher Reeve -read his autobiography again just lately. Anyone who thinks that they're doing it tough should give that a read and get things in perspective. It helps.

Something Good To Report

Last night this here pumpkin growing blogger attended an awards night at which I thought I'd receive two certificates -but in fact received the certificates along with a trophy, a plaque thingo that they engrave your name on and you have to give it back after a year, a gold pen , a cheque for $150.00 that will come very much in handy,thank you very much, and a handshake from the Mayor. And why??? It was to do with computer stuff -now there's a joke -if they saw the botch-up that I make here on blogger it would all be taken back quick smart .

bang-a-boomerang

2007-03-23T14:01:00.000+11:00

Abba.This is the very first record I ever owned. I find it hard to believe that they actually seemed attractive at the time. This is from the front cover. Agnetha looks decidely raunchy on the back cover, practically showing off her knickers. She has very nice thighs -I'm a woman, but I can actually see that her thighs were good. Better than her backside that the media always went on about.

The second record was Tammy Wynette - due to a lot of advertising. I don't think she had particularly good thighs. Her hair wasn't crash hot, either, really. Must take that back about Tammy Wynette's thighs . Never noticed them at all, to be honest.

That other silly picture is one that was sent in an email that has probably made its way around the world a thousand times. Because I'm in silly mood I thought that it could go here today.

I have confessed to questionable taste before in my Goodies Journal, but I think I have accumulated worse records since then, such as a moog synthesiser one and Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass -hahahaha. That's what happens when you spend too much time in second hand shops - you end up bringing home things that you perhaps shouldn't. That's how the Partridge Family album made its way onto the turntable here.

This post does have a point today - I put this to anyone who might read it. You must answer or, as in the post before last, the lads from Monty Python will be around to sort you out. CONFESS NOW the geekiest things in your music collection.This here blogger is in need of amusement. What about confessing to first album ever owned AND the geekiest .

Nothing to do with any of the above - I just felt that it should be mentioned that I'm growing some pumpkins - or attempting to. Dug up the ground on Wednesday and shoved in a whole heap of jap pumpkin seeds. Now will just hope for the best and give them a drink from time to time. Ooohhhhh -it's a bit exciting -what if they actually GROW and were actually edible!!!!! How good would that be!!!! Next time there's a little bit of energy will dig up a bit more ground - want to end up one day with a proper kitchen garden with all kinds of herbs. Maybe some strawberries. Tomatoes. Oh, and I want to have a crack at growing potatoes in a stack of tyres one day. Would like to get a couple of chooks as well.

Imagine being a chook and just hanging around clucking all day. Laying an egg. Getting jumped on by a rooster. Eating food scraps . Pecking around in a chook-like manner.Poor buggers. At least the chooks that live here will be entertained by Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass as the sound drifts across the backyard.

silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine*

2007-03-20T12:30:00.000+11:00

George Harrison is here today because it seems that it's about time that he was mentioned here again. He's been mentioned and now I can move on.

Picked up the record yesterday for twenty cents -that's the tracklisting from the back of it -it's playing at the moment. I'd forgotten about The Unicorn-haha. It's all sounding pretty good -particularly The Seekers, Johnny Horton, The Drifters. Oh, and Rhythm Of The Rain by The Cascades. There's no use trying to hide the fact that I'm a geek of some description.

On Friday I received a piece of mail that gives me the poops - from a particular government department who want to know what I have in my bank account and how much interest I get etc. In other words they want to know the ins and outs of a ducks/cats (depending on where you're from) bum. I have been saving a WHOLE $25.00 a week for some time and now it seems that it will come back to haunt me. So it seems that it's quite O.K. to WASTE the money that this particular government department gives you -smoke it, gamble it , stick it up your arm etc. But be sensible and put a bit of it away and you're screwed. Coming after the doctor balls up this gives me the dirts. You know what I mean -to some people $25.00 is just a takeaway pizza. Maybe that's what I should have done with my money! Grrr....

Late Saturday arvo, in a stroke of spirit-lifting good timing, my friend turned up out of the blue from Sydney. She was fulfilling one of the things on her wish list -to stay in a swanky place not too far from where I live and have a big bubble bath (the next thing is hot-air ballooning). Anyway, on Sunday arvo (in spite of a grey drizzly day) we drove around and caught up on everything. Laughed and whinged -all the usual stuff that goes on when women get together for a gossip. Pity I couldn't swap lives with her -just for a while, at least. But then I wouldn't wish this particular existence on anyone.

As you can tell -this is a post about nothing. Nothing more than an excuse to mention the name George Harrison.GEORGE HARRISON.

Oh, I can say that I got an ex-rental copy of The Lake House with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock while out with my friend and got to watching it last night. Apart from the fact that you can guess the thing right from the start and that Keanu should possibly have chosen a different profession,(just as his parents should have chosen a different name for him) I like the nature of this sort of movie. Cyclic sort of thing. Into that sort of thing. Though whoever chose the music for it should have been shot -the opening song had my teeth on edge.

It must seem that I'm in a whingey mood today -not particularly. I'm just not doing cartwheels at the moment and it shows :).

* but hitting the second hand shops often does the trick ;) .

no retreat, baby, no surrender

2007-03-16T10:19:00.000+11:00

Yesterday afternoon and last night I was on a BLOODY RAMPAGE!!!!

Well, maybe not a rampage exactly -but some kind of thing, anyway.

The only way I can get across to you how I felt is to scribble it out -that cranky scribbling you see there -that's how I was feeling. I WANTED TO SMASH SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. DIDN'T CARE WHO. ANYBODY AT ALL WOULD HAVE DONE.

For a couple of months now I've been waiting for an appointment with a surgeon. Rang yesterday to ask why they hadn't sent a letter out yet to confirm my appointment on the 30th -they said ages ago that they would.

Anyway - the girl I spoke to said that they had been shuffling people around and that "by any chance could I come in at 4 today".

I get all ready, get my son ready. Get there, go in, and the lady said "I told you tomorrow". I said: "No, you actually said the word today" (I suspect she just said it absent-mindedly). There's a big difference between saying "today", "tomorrow" or "on friday." I'm not so blond that I don't know the difference.

I was absolutely spitting chips. Spewing. Just ropable. Seething. Not only only because of the wasted time. It took energy that I just didn't have to get ready yesterday and did I mention that it WAS FIFTY DOLLARS IN TAXI FARES TO GET THERE AND BACK!!!!!!!ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!

Anyway, just as well the taxi driver(Jenny) knows me and could deal with my mood on the way home again. She was in a foul mood as well. Had a day that had started with a flat tyre and something wrong with the exhaust -while she had a passenger in the car -and another car had had to come and get the passenger and all this other crap. She had lost her glasses. While I was in the cab she got a call to say that a relative had been kicked in the head by a horse . After work Jenny would have to go and pick his car up from somewhere and take it somewhere and....she was having a shite day(no doubt the relative was as well).

I made a start on some pleasant conversation:

(yelling)"That stupid bitch!!! I'm too tired to be buggered about like that"

Jenny cracked up .

I said: "Come on, Jenny -you let it all out, too!! Get it out of your system!!"

Right on cue a car cut her off. She yelled: "You effing a-hole!"

I killed myself laughing.

Then started to cry and carry on and yelled:"That stupid mole!".

Then some completely annoying person rang the cab. Jenny SLAMMED down the radio thingo and yelled:"Oh shut up, you effing idiot!!".

Me: "That stupid scrag!! What was she thinking !!!".

Anyway, I'm so ashamed that this carry on was in front of my son - but he did find it amusing. I never knew that Jenny had such a propensity for bad language up until this point. Most suprising.

Anyway I was so broken down and buggered that I had a good cry last night. A right old sook. A mixture of tiredness, disappointment, stress(my body can't handle stress), anxiety. Fear of what's to come. Anger. You name it. In short, a melt down.

Today I have puffy eyes, feel like a dishrag and.....drum roll......I have to go back in there this afternoon to see the surgeon. Get ready and psyched up all over a-bloody-gain.

evil woman

2007-03-13T10:34:00.000+11:00

This bit has nothing whatsover to do with the pictures.

Yesterday in my mailbox I get this daft brochure:

THIS SENIORS WEEK,

TAKE THE TEST

I am over 55.

My family says I have the TV too loud.

I have trouble understanding people in loud places.

Everyone seems to mumble.

So this brochure would seem to indicate that if you are over 55 you are completely thick and up until this point that you haven't noticed that you CAN'T HEAR PROPERLY!!! Well, that's it then - will just have to go and get Mum and Dad put down, the poor dopey buggers. There is no point in them going on. Unfortunately they have gone past the point of no return. They are too thick to live.

Now, in a complete change of subject, I wish to CONFESS. I feel the need to get this off my chest.

When I was a child (aged five or six) my Grandmother made me a lovely dress, it was predominantly blue. My sister's was the same except it was green. My Grandmother had borrowed the cotton to make the dresses from a friend.

My school teacher boarded with the friend. My Granny bought cotton to replace the cotton she had borrowed and asked me to give it to the teacher to pass on to her friend.

Two lovely new reels of cotton - a blue one and a green one. My Grandmother put them into a brown paper bag.

I was too shy to give them to the teacher so I put them in the school bin. Threw them away. In there with half- eaten apples and discarded sandwiches. That lovely cotton.

My Grandmother never was able to track down what happened to the cotton.

WHAT A NAUGHTY BAD BAD GIRL!!

While here there is something else to confess. At a younger age than the above I went to the local store with my mum. I picked up a little twenty cent orange car and walked out with it because I knew that Mum wouldn't buy it. Oh! It was terrible! I planted it at my Grandmother's house because if it was sighted at home there Would Be Trouble. It was tucked under the lounge cushion there and I couldn't even play with the silly thing for fear of it Being Seen. Oh frig -was cured of this sort of thing forever.

So I had a rather short (but illustrious) career as Liar and Thief.

Anyone got anything Naughty to confess???

CONFESS NOW -or I'll send the fellas around!!!

beautiful world/great unsolved mysteries of the world

2007-03-08T16:55:00.000+11:00

Got this tape at the op shop yesterday for twenty cents. I already have it on vinyl -it was the....I think...fourth record I ever owned/forced Mum and Dad to buy. Pre-teens -what revolting creatures -though perhaps not quite as revolting as teenagers.

It sounds just PERFECT on this very rainy afternoon. Devo sounds particularly good today, love in motion by Icehouse sounds brilliant. You weren't in love with me by Billy Field is as gorgeous as it ever was. I defy anyone to listen to that song and not feel a bit sooky. Dare I say that even Rick Springfield is sounding good this afternoon. He sounds almost as good as he used to look.

Anyway, enough about this 26 year old cruddy old tape - it goes a bit dodgy at I won't let you down, just for a little touch of irony, at which point there is no choice but to turn over to the other side and have to miss out on hearing the stroke. Just as well -it's a bloody awful song anyway. Though the guitar is good.

There is something very important to discuss here. Of great importance. So incredibly profound. Oh, bugger -I tried to get that piece of lint picture down here but it went up there instead.

A Rant About Lint

I had washing on the line today. It started pouring and I got soaked bringing the darned things inside again. Hate that thing.

Anyway -shoved them in the dryer and was once again reminded of my animosity toward lint when it was time for the clothes to come out again.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?????? That's what I want to know. That's it and that's all.

It gives you the dirts having to fish around in that lint filter thing to dig that stuff out of there.

What purpose does it serve??

I wonder if blogger ethel could use it for craft activities?

It's tempting to let it build up in there just so it would serve a purpose as a firelighter.

Possible uses for lint:

- roll - your - own earplugs

- homemade sanitary napkins - a great jolly wad of lint with double sided tape along the bottom.

...but we both see it slippin' away

2007-03-05T18:23:00.000+11:00

This will probably be the shortest post ever. I got carried away with emailing and now I should be making the dinner but I'm doing this instead.

Just a silly thing that someone told me today. Was in one of the second hand shops and (by the way found a LOVELY jacqui e 100% cotton top for $2.50. Oh, the other day I got a brand new jeans west top for 20 cents) an old lady was telling me- I don't know how the subject came up, I really don't, oh wait a minute -I DO- it was because I told her that my underwear was getting friendly and I had to rectify it before I went back outside( they know me there, it's O.K.) -anyway, to get to the point, she told me about how one day she was walking down the main street and she noticed a peculiar look on a lady's face and then next thing the lady stopped, shook her undies off one leg, then the other, and then kept on walking as if nothing had happened. Obviously the look was "hell, my undies are falling off".

What woman hasn't had that thought?? I've had it, anyway - as to what I'd do if my elastic broke. The only thing I've ever come up with is that I'd die a thousand deaths of shame. At least. Then after that, move to another town altogether.

I went out of the second hand shop having a flash (get your mind out of the gutter) back to school days. AH EMBARRASSMENT!!! We had been to swimming lessons this particular day -and whether I had a pair of undies in my bag as spares or had left the swimmers on, I can't remember. Anyway, by some mechanism the undies ended up on the ground where we were sitting and my friends were making jokes about them -they didn't know they were mine and I sure as hell wasn't going to tell them!! - you know, typical girl stuff like: "eeeewwww, gross, look at them, wonder who owns them, eeeeewwwwwww". Fantastic. I had to leave my undies there on the ground knowing that the cleaner would come along and throw them away and I'd never see my undies again. The poor things :(. When you're eleven years old these things seem like such a big deal. Haha.

So that was the tragic tale of the lost-to-me-forever-underwear.

The undies are gone but the embarrassment isn't...quite :) .

what difference does it make?

2007-03-04T11:47:00.000+11:00

Yesterday - an unexpected treat on the telly:And Now For Something Completely Different. I say unexpected because all that usually can be expected on a Saturday arvo, as far as telly goes, is sport.

Although, actually, I'm full of shite because I don't usually watch telly on a Saturday arvo. I happened to be home yesterday because I felt like death - which of course is a nice segue into the Dead Parrot sketch. Doesn't matter how many times I see it, it never fails to amuse. A parrot "pining for the fjords" will do it every time.

That's the kind of new pet I could handle. Wouldn't have to remember to feed it, nor clean out its cage - excellent. A permanent pet. Wouldn't have to worry about it dying. Just nail it to the perch and Bob's your Uncle. Possible parrot names: Monty, ...can't think of anything else. It would have to be Monty.

It should be announced that I've officially gone mental. Previously it was only unofficial. I had a dream where I was going through a diary trying to find the birthday of my two year old daughter because I didn't want to miss it -it turned out to be the 11th March, by the way. I was looking for the date while my blond-haired daughter played with my sister and her new-ish husband and her two children from a previous marriage. They were all right here in the kitchen.

The trouble is that I don't have a daughter so no wonder I couldn't remember her birthday without searching. She doesn't exist. My sister, however, is due to give birth in a few weeks. I cannot tell you of my disappointment when I awoke to realise it was just a dream -it was one of those VERY REAL ones. The disappointment is still hanging around. See, mental. Barmy lady.

I had to ask a neighbour to come in and help me with something on Thursday night because I had a bad health episode. It was very humbling to have to go and ask for help -I held out for 2hrs before asking as I'm Miss Independence. The lady was very good about it and has said anytime I need help-day or night - to ring her and she'll be right over. And I know she means it. I have one of those neighbours who will bring over a piece of a pumpkin that she's grown and who will call out to let you know to bring your washing in off the line because it's starting to rain. It wasn't until Thursday that I really appreciated how important it is to have good people around -particularly today when so many of us are on our own. It's great to know that someone would notice if you didn't emerge from your house for a couple of days, you know? That someone would notice all the neighbourhood cats hanging around your house just waiting for the chance to get in and have a feast ;).

Anyway, enough of that :).

I wish to tell you of a daggy tape that I made . I'm such a goose that I regularly make Weekend tapes for myself - a compilation usually done on a Friday afternoon and then it gets played to death over the weekend. Actually, this was done over the Friday we just had and the one before it.

Here's the thing with music - when you take a song out of its original context, it sounds different. It's true. So taking these couple of U2 songs off their album makes them sound even better.

side a:

don't look back - fine young cannibals (no laughing!,it's a good song)
tears run rings - soft cell
in god's country - U2
trip through your wires - U2
all i gave - world party
the whole of the night - world party
always - world party
writing to reach you - travis
music was saved - starsailor
atmosphere - joy division (this is playing at the moment)
telling them - starsailor
making love to the world - world party

side b:

what difference does it make? - the smiths
take it up - world party
sweet soul dream -world party
bye bye bad man - the stone roses
song for my sugar spun sister - the stone roses
bittersweet symphony - the verve
my love life - morrisey
i want you to know - julian lennon ( don't laugh at this either -if anyone else had performed this song it would have been declared "good" :))
trampolene - julian cope
charlotte anne - julian cope
elizabeth my dear -the stone roses
dance of the hoppy lads - world party.

So -if anyone has bothered to read through the daggy tape list -what do these songs have in common? (you are not allowed to say that "they are all shite").

Actually -what do they have in common AND what is something else that two of the artists don't have in common with the others? I know this is silly :).

most people i know think that i'm crazy

2007-03-01T12:22:00.000+11:00

The above is, of course, a title of a Billy Thorpe song, but might even be true in the case of yours truly ;).

From wikipedia:Billy Thorpe (29 March 1946 – 28 February 2007) was a renowned English-born Australian musician. He earned great success in the 1960s as a clean-cut pop idol, and in the 1970s as the lead singer of hard rock band Billy Thorpe & the Aztecs.

I was suprised as anyone yesterday when the news of his death (heart attack) came through -he simply just looked so good and fit for his age, just goes to show -you never can tell. Steve Kilbey thought he was a good bloke, James Freud thought he was a bit of an ass. So I daresay he was a mixture of both, just like the rest of us are.

Opinion on the Oscars the other night:

Well I said (actually I said it to blogger mf) that I was going to watch up until the Deaths bit (because it's the only bit worth bothering about) and that's what I did -and then turned the telly off BUT it did take an awfully long time to get to that point. As David Letterman quipped -there would have been more names to add to the list by the time the show ended.

When watching the Deaths bit and seeing both Jack Palance and Bruno Kirby thought :Billy Crystal -be afraid... BE VERY AFRAID. Yes, just being silly. That's not unusual.

James Taylor - was in the kitchen when his song started and as it did I ACTUALLY thought for a second that I was hearing the start of Your Song by Elton John. Whatever it was that he sang was particularly forgettable and in a particularly dry and whiny voice . Oh dear. And I WISH he would just be done with it and get his hair -what's left of it - clipped-maybe a number one or two on the clippers. If you've only got a donut of hair left on your head GET IT CLIPPED- that donut there is convincing no one of your virility. It's naught but a Desperate Donut. James Taylor could still look quite decent except for Donut Hair. Horseshoe Hair, really.

Dreamgirls -(is that what it's called??) I find it so hard to believe that people would go to see a show with those songs in it and that they'd bother making a movie OH FRIG I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT THERE IN THE LOUNGEROOM. Smother myself with a pile of cushions. Wrap the lampcord around my neck. Headbang the wall until my head caved in. Just like the Kenny G critic I quoted in a previous post, I would want those songs played at my funeral because then I'd be glad to be dead. Where's the appeal? Music that would bore the pants off you. Just dead. Tedious as hell. It made me feel queasy. Beyonce singing her lungs out -completely soulless(spelling ?). And this person has a star on the Walk of Fame?? I put this kind of music up there with Mariah. Not saying they can't sing -but where's the taste, do you know what I mean? They sing great big dead forgettable songs.

And in a complete change of subject heard on the news this morning that the University of Newcastle has found that the common cold virus has been found useful in the treatment of tumours in mice (in other words I guess they gave the poor buggers the tumours in the first place) . This ties in with something that my Uncle was told when he was being treated for cancer (he died in 1992) -that people who get colds generally don't get cancer. That stuck in my head at the time. A friend was saying on the weekend how she's just had a cold and I said: "I never ever get a cold. Never". Isn't that odd.

has this goodies dvd had the sword?

2007-02-26T12:09:00.000+11:00

I think that this Goodies DVD might be had it.

Someone in my household, who shall remain nameless, was perhaps having a little too much fun with it. From the front it looks fine and then you turn it over and DISASTER!!!!!!

You can get the menu to come up but otherwise it's a bit rooted.

Anyone know if it can be salvaged??? - if you look closely there are cracks at the centre and also, I think, grotty fingerprints.

Is there such a thing as MIRACLE DVD REPAIR KIT out there?

The episodes that can't be seen anymore :( :

BUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. TEAROOMS - The Goodies search for wealth leads them to Cornwall and a mine of Cornish cream, which Graeme is keen to exploit at the expense of Tim and Bill.

THE END - Graeme's concrete city designs for an unscrupulous property developer end in disaster when the Goodies' office is encased in a 350 foot block of concrete.

SCOUTRAGEOUS - "Who were those masked scouts?". Boy Scouts everywhere are on the run as the Goodies succeed in having the organisation declared illegal by the government.

PUNKY BUSINESS - The punk phenomenom grips britain as grannies reject niceness and the Goodies take to the road in search of the latest fad.

Out of those I love The End the most. It stands up very well, thirty two years down the track.

Anyway - so that was buggered on the weekend. And also the tape I'd put the David Bowie episode of Extras on -took it to my Mum's to play her the song for a laugh and HER MACHINE CHEWED UP THE TAPE!!!!!!!! Argggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

This weekend could have been better. My son had an accident and tore the flesh between two of his toes and bled all over the place in the kitchen and loungeroom. (angel, if you read this, he's O.K., he went to school today).

So in summary - the Goodies, David Bowie, and the toe are all rooted. All in one weekend. Well done. Plus my mother and mother in law are being a bit annoying. And the ex-husband as well.

Also, did I mention that I'm premenstrual? Does it show -ha- when such silly things as a DVD and video would become SO ANNOYING??????

I've been crying about the dog this morning. Haven't had any decent sleep. Though had enough to have a dream about The Butcher. No, nothing like that. It's funny how people just turn up in your dreams unexpectedly. I know I had a dream once that a blogger was showing me his new fridge . Huh??? For the ladies -notice in the lead up to the advent of The Curse (as they used to call it) you dream all over the place.

The only thing I can be thankful for is that part 1 of A Tasty Second Helping has survived intact -for it features RADIO GOODIES....

boom.

P.S. have tried to edit this STUPID POST!!!! It has come out with none of the spacing in it -anyone know how to fix it? It happened a couple of times before as well -CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!

o.k. - so i had a green stool ;)

2007-02-22T11:25:00.000+11:00

I was outed by that lady known as angel in the comments on the post with the alcoholic chook photo. This is what she wrote:

Angel said...
The most hilarious thing I saw today - and this is 100% the truth - no bull - Lee shopping in the supermarket with a rather large appendage under her arm - you guessed it - a stool.(Chair type stool, not a poo) Does anyone know the correct name for someone with a stool fetish? Well, I nearly wet myself!!! I'm sure you have read about Lee's stool she carried for miles the other day. It could easily be a Goodies episode-love me , love my stool. Having a shower with my stool.Sharing breakfast with my stool. And then the close-up of the Queen sized bed and the stool stealing all the blanket and snoring.Or worse still the stool having a cigarette with a silly grin on it's face.(O.K , lets not go there). If I see Lee buying a tuxedo for the stool, I will be really worried! Lee, a stool is not a substitute for a butcher! Angel xx

Ah yes IT'S TRUE. So last week I was walking about with a yellow bar stool and this week a step stool with an almost psychedelic (spelling?) green pattern on the seat part. Excellent. Just like the other stool , it has potential. This is what I ended up doing with it - upended it in the trolley and was able to use the steps to stack things on -such as the eggs. Very handy!!! It was very handy in the other second hand shops I went to - could sit on it while I perused the books. It was also handy for starting conversation when I went to buy meat ("So, you're bringing your own furniture with you now??").

(just to stir angel) The differences I have observed between stools and men:

- a stool has four legs
- a stool is happy to go shopping with me
- a step stool doesn't make a fuss if you walk all over it
- a stool is useful
- a stool serves a purpose
- a stool will be around for years to come
- a stool won't mind if I give it a make over.

Glad that I could give you some amusement, angel. I believe that some others in the supermarket were aware of my friend the stool as well :).

What gave me some amusement yesterday -last night- was watching David Bowie on Extras - I just about fell about laughing when he sang that song. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had a laugh to myself in the shower this morning just thinking about it. You sort of expected David Bowie to be nice and then when he did the song...hell, it was good. I ended up taping it, so if I feel motivated later will write the words that he sang in the comment section just for fun.

Also -watching Spicks and Specks (music quiz show) on the ABC last night. Some Kenny G (haha) trivia was related. Apparently after one particular critic heard the version of the (Louis Armstrong) song It's A Wonderful World that Kenny played his sax over (and released) said that he wanted it to be played at his funeral "because then he would be glad to be dead". That anecdote might have come in handy for my funeral post a couple of days back. I actually can't handle that song at the best of times -it's just been flogged to death - and just DON'T WISH TO IMAGINE the torture that the Kenny G version must be. It would hurt your head. A lot.

While I'm relating daft things here. This morning I go to tidy up the lounge and it has a silly cover over it and the easiest way for me to fix it properly is to kneel down. NEARLY MAIMED MYSELF!!! ARRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Knelt on an almond kernel. The pain!!!!!!!!!! Just writing that reminds me of the time that I knelt onto a needle and it went into the side of my knee and I had to get someone to pull it out with a pair of pliers and was incredibly lucky because only the eye of the needle was sticking out - the needle was 3cms long. That's just revolting , isn't it?

refer to comment in previous post

2007-02-20T22:00:00.000+11:00

I cannot believe that there was actually a photo of this.Haha. What next?

drinking buttermilk through the week...whisky on a sunday

2007-02-20T12:30:00.000+11:00

I left my favourite beer quote over on dave's blog just now and then decided -why not a whole post on beer quotes -never done that before.

And then who cares if it stuffs up with this silly new blogger that I've been forced into. The buggers.

"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night." -- Greek proverb

"I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol." -- W.C. Fields

"I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety" -- William Shakespeare (King Henry V)

"From a man's sweat and God's love, beer came into the world." -- Saint Arnoldus

"Whoever makes a poor beer is transferred to the dung-hill..." -- Edict, city of Danzig (Gdansk), 11th century

"A mind the caliber of mine cannot derive it's nutriment from cows." -- George Bernard Shaw

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading" -- Henny Youngman

"It was as natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of having a meal without drinking....beer" -- Ernest Hemingway

"Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies come to life and fade away. What care I how time advances; I am drinking ale today." -- Edgar Allen Poe

"It is my design to die in the brew house; let ale be placed in my mouth when I am expiring, that when the choirs of angels come, they may say, "Be God propitious to this drinker." -- St. Columbanus, A.D. 612

"I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. -- W.C. Fields

"A good local pub has much in common with a church, except that a pub is warmer, and there is more conversation." -- William Blake

"The selling of bad beer is a crime against Christian love." -- Law, city of Augsburg, 13th Century

"How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter." -- W.C. Fields

“Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.” -- Queen Victoria

“Most people hate the taste of beer – to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome.” -- Winston Churchill

"Of doctors and medicines we have in plenty more than enough... what you may, for the Love of God, send is some large quantity of beer." --Dispatch from the Colony, New South Wales, 1854

"It is better to think of church in the ale-house than to think of the ale-house in church." --Martin Luther

"Beer that is not drunk has missed it's vocation." --Meyer Breslau

"The good Lord has changed water into wine, so how can drinking beer be a sin?” --Sign near a Belgian Monastery

"I envy people who drink, at least they know what to blame everything on." --Oscar Levant

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind" --Humphrey Bogart

"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop." --Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer!" --Henry Lawson

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I shall conquer the world." --Kaiser Wilhelm

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." --Dave Barry

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." --Homer Simpson

"Actually, it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." --George Burns

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." --Cliff Clavin, Cheers Episode

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." --Oscar Wilde

"There is no such thing as a bad beer. It's that some taste better than others." --Billy Carter

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." --Homer Simpson

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with the fools he must come in contact with every day." --Ernest Hemingway

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." --Frank Zappa

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry.

I actually can't stand the taste of beer. I can't drink at the moment due to health stuff, but if I were to drink it would be scotch. And quite a bit of it, too.

This has been brought to you by: experimental new blogger first post.

little fat cowboy...did you have a bad dream?

2007-02-16T13:24:00.000+11:00

-David Baerwald lyric that's in my head at the moment. It's actually a bonus at the end of the album. I love it when you get that unexpected gift at the end of the CD. It doesn't seem to happen anymore.

I been thinking that if I were to cark it what music I'd want played at the funeral. It's sort of a fun exercise.Music sets the mood for everything. Why not create the mood you want, right?

The other day I had a bit of a bawl listening to Put Your Dreams Away by Frank Sinatra. It's one of the sweetest love songs ever - actually it would be suitable for a wedding, not a funeral.

At my nineteen year old cousin's funeral Oh Very Young by Cat Stevens was played and it was just perfect. The trouble is that I can't hear it now without thinking of that time. But it was just the thing. All the feeling of it was there.

The forerunner at the moment is All I Gave by World Party, because I've always loved the sound of that.

Either that or something terrible by Monty Python - could you imagine the conversation later?? : "Ooh, I can't believe that she was carted out to the Lumberjack song -what was she thinking!".

What about something by the Wiggles??? (Can You Point Your fingers And Do The Twist? (well, no, I'm dead))

Looking For Friends by Andy White would be quite sweet - entirely unsuitable, but sweet.

Hmm...what about a nice piece of music by Mike Oldfield, even? That could be O.K.

Constant Craving by K.D. Lang could be a real tear jerker.

So, anyone reading this, what song would you like if you kicked the bucket?????

All I Gave -World Party

Was that you dreaming, out of control.
Don't get uneasy,
No one's ever understood it all.
And we will always love you,
And we'll be so proud of you,
And we will sing your song tonight.

When they call you out,
When they ask you who you've been,
Will you have a doubt?
Or will you tell them with a grin?

I was lost, I was blind, I was you.
All I gave was me.

Under the blue sky, seconds tick away.
There's no resolution.
It just changes everyday.
So ssh, we will always love you,
And we'll be so proud of you,
And we will sing your song tonight.

When they call you out,
When they ask you who you've been,
Will you have a doubt?
Or will you tell them with a grin?

I was lost, I was blind, I was you ...

All I gave was me.
I gave you all that I had to give you.
I gave everything I had to give you.

hold on to what you got

2007-02-12T21:50:00.000+11:00

Been feeling a bit like shite for a few days and what do you do when you are feeling a bit like shite?

Well, if you are me, you find something -any thing at all - to cheer you up a bit.

In this case it was getting James Freud's book out yesterday and flicking through it. Only read it again about a month ago (for the third time). It is guaranteed to put a smile on your face. It is one of the few things that has ever made me laugh out loud. James Freud is a very very funny bugger. The book(from 2002) is called I am the voice left from drinking after a line in the song Barbados.

For anyone who doesn't have a clue who I'm talking about he was in aussie eighties band, the models. My favourite song of theirs was Hold On.I actually couldn't stand James Freud when I was growing up - thought he was a tosser. I mean, look at that poster which I've scanned from the book -looks like a tosser to me.

For anyone who likes the behind the scenes of the music industry stuff - this book will do it for you.

The stuff about Gary Numan (you know the guy that did Cars and We Are Glass) was ... quite intriguing . He had a penchant for dropping his guts all the time :

"I awoke on the morning of 29 June 1980 to the now- familiar odour-de-Gary's-fart. I ran out of the caravan gasping for air. It was my 21st birthday.

'Can't you do that outside?' I said to him.

'What, and waste a good fart?'

I must say that it shattered all my childhood illusions as to how cool(?) Gary Numan was. James went over to visit him in the U.K., expecting to be staying in a rock star's mansion, only to find that Gary was living in a caravan in his parent's backyard. He didn't smoke, drink, or take drugs and that he lived on McDonald's - hence all the gas.

There are bits about his good mate, Michael Hutchence. There are mentions of Marc Bolan, Andy Warhol, just about everyone.

And it's all so amusingly honest:

"To this day I'm still not sure what I liked about heroin, apart from wanting to be like Lou Reed, who wrote the best songs about taking heroin. The actual drug was not a pleasurable experience. I would throw my guts up from the moment it hit my veins till I finally straightened up. And my nose would itch so uncontrollably that I would look like WC Fields and end up with a rashy, peeling schnoz the next day. But regardless of all that, I persisted and took my medicine because I had become part of the 'elite' drug culture. We'd listen to the Velvet Underground all day and play 'Heroin' and 'Waiting for the Man' till we wore out the vinyl. I met Lou in an elevator years later, in Liverpool, England.

'Hi Lou,' I said.

'F--- off,' he replied.

It was great".

If you ever come across this on eBay, BUY IT-even if you hated his guts (like I always used to) because it's a great read. And you might enjoy the bit about a dog turd being thrown at him on stage ( Nick Cave claimed that it was he who threw the dog turd). Even if you have never heard of James Freud before in your entire life - still buy it because you will have heard of everyone he writes about.

I was just googling around before and discovered that James is about to put out a follow up next month called -I kid you not - I am the voice left from rehab. Tch tch. He supposedly got his act together in the first book after nearly dying.

Speaking of music things -they showed The Band Aid Story on the ABC again the other night. The lead singer of Spandau Ballet ended up getting a little portly and was wearing a cap which probably means BALD SPOT. That is so very... disappointing :) . And the lads from Status Quo are stilll as naughty as ever. Bono being made to sing the only line in the song that he didn't want to sing. But he did do it so very well, anyway.

Oh, and I've been listening to Tim Finn a fair bit over the last few days. Who knows why. It's just comfortable to hear and doesn't make your head hurt. That's always a good sign :) . On the bonus DVD that came with it is a lovely version of I Hope I Never. It sounded good to me over the weekend.

I'm feeling a bit better just at this minute after having a good feed tonight, in spite of not having a wink of sleep last night. It was food experiment #129 and involved chicken, shallots, lemon juice, olive oil, seasalt, lemon myrtle. Also green capsicum, brocolli. Oh, and potatoes. Must have potatoes.It was very very good and I ate every last bit so there was none left for the starving children.

I went and picked up Barkly's chain(even the biggest collar was too small for his neck so he had to have a chain- even after losing weight he was still 45kgs) and lead from the vet on Friday and paid the bill and received a receipt that reads:

07/02/07 EUTHANASE DOG $55.00

07/02/07 CREMATION $60.00.

All this feeling -and the grief of it- and it just comes down to that -words on a page - just like with everything else.

So, strangely enough, James Freud has cheered me up. Oh, and something else cheered me up just this afternoon. I had to walk about half a kilometre this afternoon with a not-particularly-heavy-but-awkward barstool -just one of those things that you do from time to time :) - as I walked toward a man on the same path he grinned his face off at the unusual sight of a woman walking around with a yellow barstool, and in typical aussie fashion said: "ya shoulda got a folding one, mate".

So - this continual pulling oneself up by the bootstraps -don't know about you fellas, but these here bootstraps are getting STRONGER.

Well, I'm sure that's more than enough prattling on for one night.

angel of the morning (afternoon)

2007-02-08T16:22:00.000+11:00

This afternoon I went to my mailbox to find that a sweet lady who goes by the name of angel had hand delivered this card for me in which she had written some very kind words.

That was above and beyond -thank you so very much - it helps.

Ah, just give it day or two and I'll be back to my normal depressive self, as opposed to....whatever this is. It has happened at a bad time, the proverbial straw, that's why it has hit so hard.

dismal day

2007-02-07T16:19:00.000+11:00

Last night at around quarter to six I was tired and was folding up washing, had some ironing that needed to be done for the next day, and needed to put the dinner on.

My son came to me at that time with the bubble mix - wanting me to blow bubbles for him.

I resisted the urge to continue on with what I was doing and went outside and blew bubbles for nearly half an hour. There was a breeze about and the bubbles went in unpredictable directions.

My son ran around bursting the bubbles, wearing back-to-front underpants and a look of sheer delight, trying to follow them as they blew around in the breeze. The bubbles had an exquisite sheen of blue and pink about them.

How often in life do we think that we will get particular things or issues sorted out and then - and only then - will life be O.K.??? Well, the older I get I realise that it's a silly way to think. It's bollocks. It doesn't get any better then this here-right-now. We can kid ourselves all we like, but the best you can hope for is moments that you have to take and make for yourself in the midst of.........whatever else might be going on.

I went to get the washing off the line a couple of days ago and stopped to rub my labrador's tummy with my foot. He was so ill , but he visibly relaxed. I'm so glad I stopped and took that time out of the day because he was put down today. A relative dropped him at the vet for me yesterday. I got a call today to say that that it was time for him to go. The very kindly vet came to my house with a form to sign so I didn't have to go down there all upset.

Barkly (his real name :) ) had two separate problems in an unheard of combination that almost four months of treatment couldn't rectify. He was a pain in the bum sometimes but he was a lovely natured dog and I loved him very much.

this is not about cockroach(e?)s, maggots, dogs with skin disorders, or even squirrels

2007-02-05T21:23:00.000+11:00

Oh, I needed a distraction from the above things.

I figured that Albert Brooks was as good a distraction as anything else because:

1. he isn't a canine with a staph infection

2. he probably doesn't have maggots - at least that we know of.

As far as Mondays go, it hasn't been a great one :) .

Started the day by accidentally nicking a tiny mole under my arm with a razor - good one!!! Well, what a clever dick I am. It wouldn't stop bleeding - had to put a bandaid under my arm - that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. A frigging bandaid under your arm (yes, whaddya reckon, it had frigging written on it).

It must be a full moon- in fact I think it is. That would explain why I would give this the title I did ...and then go on to mention those things, like a goose. A goose under the influence of the moon. I wonder if a goose could howl at the moon if it tried very hard? Or maybe it's lacking in such vocal capabilities? Actually I guess it would honk at the moon, wouldn't it? Of course :) .

Cockroach undate - Blackie - as I'll call him (if he is in fact male) - still hasn't been found alive or dead. I think it's time to call in Clint Eastwood.

An update on me - because it's MY blog -and yet Blackie seems to have taken over.

Update

- I need to have a haircut and streaks again. I feel wretched. That "hell, I need a haircut feeling".

- I've been trying to get "Steve"-the-dog well since October. It's a losing battle.

- I'm tired and seem to do a lot of jobs that I don't feel like doing. It's taking too long to get to the 30th March.

What a depressing update!!! That's not really an update, is it? It's more like a downdate, if the truth be told.

Squirrels:WHEN SQUIRRELS ATTACK

http://www.geocities.com/nickedemis/attack.html

I saved this site some time ago because it cracks me up. I've mentioned everything else I wasn't going to mention, so why not throw some squirrels in as well for good measure.

Now, back to Albert. I posted this quote from Broadcast News some time back because it cracks me up as well. More so than squirrels. I feel the need to put it here again because I'm feeling spectacularly daft at present. Nothing wrong with a bit of daft.

So - Albert in Broadcast News:

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation were attractive? If needy were a turn on?"

Of course it's all in the delivery.

Just like the babies that Blackie will have.

oh the snakes crawl at night, that's what they say...

2007-02-02T10:22:00.000+11:00

Please do not think even for one minute that I don't know the difference between a snake and a cockroach. It's just that I've been listening to.....hehe....Charley Pride's Greatest Hits -hence The Snakes Crawl At Night.

Oh, and how could you forget the classic(?) Kaw Lija, about an Indian Chief:

"Poor old Kaw Lija, he never got a kiss
Poor old Kaw Lija, he don't know what he missed".

You never know what might be on the turntable here from what day to the next - it's rather frightening, really.

Today I am writing to express my utter digust over an event that transpired in the last couple of days.

I thought that it was time to get my act together in some way and sort out the great piles of books that live next to my bed - if anything is going to happen to me I don't want anyone else to have to deal with all this crap, right?

So there I am going through the bookshelf, culling, sorting a give-away pile - in other words making space for the bedroom books to go. And WHAT DO I SEE?????? A ruddy great cockroach of course. Ran straight past me and into the books. A massive mongrel of a thing.

So I frantically pull out books until I hit the jackpot - pile of cocky crap. I mean a PILE. He must have taken up residence there a little while back.

As if it isn't disgusting enough to have one of these in your house, let alone in your books, but what I found just OUT OF LINE about it is that the pile was behind - and touching - Persuasion by Jane Austen . I would have smashed that cockroach to death if I could have found him (I'm assuming it was male). I've put bait out for you, buddy! Come and get it, beast.....YOU JUST CAN'T GO AROUND DEFECATING ON JANE AUSTEN!!!!!!!

Out comes the dust pan and brush, the paper towel, the clean up. Get every little last bit of the cocky's jobs, wipe out the bookshelf, realise I'll never feel quite the same way about Persuasion again. Have an attack of the klutz and drop it all over the books sitting on the floor in front of the bookshelf and all over the floor. Get the vacuum cleaner. I now know that the cockroach NEEDS TO DIE -ARRGHHHHHH!!!!

It got me to thinking that if I were a cockroach - and I had a choice - which books I would pooh on.

One I can think of off the top of my head is The Shipping News - never did get past the first page of that.

If I were a cockroach in a cheeky mood I'd take a dump on Puckoon by Spike Milligan, or even his book of limericks- because Spike might find it amusing.

Or what about Such Is Life, just for a little irony.

I'd pooh on Howards End just to be a smart arse.

I thought it might be fitting to have a picture of cockroach doo doo (or however you spell it) to accompany this post. I googled cockroach faeces and got a photo of a weird cockroach. I googled cockroach pooh and got a photo of a man and the caption " Freaks After Cockroach Attacks!". These were entirely unsuitable, as I'm sure you would agree.

Speaking of pooh - the birds have taken a shine to my mailbox. Have to clean it all the time, it gives me the dirts. But sometimes -just sometimes - when I look out my bedroom window I see a bird perched on the mailbox and it looks....beautiful.

call me bozo, weirdo, whacko or creep....just call me

2007-01-29T17:00:00.000+11:00

I've been listening to David Baerwald today -here comes the new folk underground (from 2002) - and have that line stuck in my head and thought it may as well be a title here right now. Why ever not?

Here is a roast dinner for dave. But I didn't even make it. O.K. so I googled roast dinner and saved that picture - and that's as good as it gets.

Well. I could tell you how I make a roast dinner - cook one just about every night. That will have to do. It's sort of cheating, but who's got forever to wait for tea to cook?

Put your oven up to 200 - turn up the heat, baby (I sound like such a tosser writing "baby"like that -it doesn't suit me at all) .

Nice big pan. Peel the spuds and slice into thin rounds. Some chunks of jap pumpkin (that's good pumpkin, that is). Douse it in lots of extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle sea salt and rosemary all over it. Leave enough space for a couple of lamb chops at one end of the pan. Cook for 10 or 15 minutes and then shove the chops in - don't forget to put stuff all over them as well.

Total cooking time - around 40-45 mins.

Forgot to say -while it's cooking - chop up some brocolli (forgotten how to spell it) and sit it in a tiny bit of water in a plastic bowl, cling wrap it, leaving a little opening at the side. When the tea is cooked and while you're dishing it up, shove the brocolli in the microwave for 3 mins or so and that's it.

Dave -you just have to make it yourself.

There is something I know now at this age that I never thought I would grasp. It is something I asked Mum about when I was a kid and she said: "Oh, I don't know, you just know". And what was this profound question you might well ask? It was :" How do you know how many potatoes to peel??"

And it's true - you do just know. You know instinctively how many you need for a roast dinner and how many you need for chips - taking into account such variables as number of people and size of potatoes. Same with vegetable juice -you know how many carrots you need. Ah, women -we're the best ;).

So you see - my time on the planet has not been wasted -oh no!!!

This talk of food reminds me of another wanker recipe I spotted in a magazine:

Char-grilled quail with rocket and grape salad.

I'm so sure that would feed a hungry person.

Other things in magazines that give me the peedoodles:

Make-up - they can't show lipstick without it being all sliced up , or eyeshadow and blush without crushing it up - who was the original wanker who started to do that? What does it achieve?? I'm sure I'm not the only person on the planet who sees that and thinks: what a bleeping waste of good lippy. Yeah- that's what I want to do with an $80.00 lipstick - cut it all up.

Oh, and another thing - decorating magazines. They interview people about their homes. But they can't say that they bought a bed from such and such a place. Oh, no - the person has a "piece" that they have "sourced" from some dicky place. When I read that I think -oh just pull your head out of your backside. It's all a bit precious.

So it seems that maybe I should steer clear of magazines because they are full of wankers.

There does seem to be a bit of a gap in the market - it becomes apparent that what is needed is a nice big glossy monthly devoted entirely to Mr Michael Palin. A foreword written by him. Michael in the centrefold (my michael in the centrefold) wearing nothing but a big cheesy grin. Oh, and clothing. Have to keep his wife happy. Recipes by Michael. A travel section. Humorous anecdotes. Yes, it could work. It just needs a name....

let it bleed

2007-01-21T18:29:00.000+11:00

The latest book I picked up at the second hand shop is from 1999 and is by Judge Judy -haha- Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever . It's the follow up to Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining. Ah, she has such a way with words.

That ad there for ladies razors -men love daisies too- is actually a little bit of what she was going on about in this book. Her whole angle is that women shouldn't be doing things just to please men. That we should be responsible for ourselves and never put ourselves in a situation where we become reliant on a man for anything and leave ourselves open for mistreatment.

So the woman should be shaving her legs to please a man? Hell, if I was only shaving my legs in order that a man would notice or feel them I would have turned into something resembling a yak at this juncture. I shave my legs every day because it makes me feel better to do so. And if they're going to mention daisies in an ad why have gerberas in the photo. Oh, what a wank ;) . Well, they sure look like gerberas to me.

Augustus visited over the weekend. Enough said about that subject. He was just the same, I reacted in just the same way. The same old dance. He's gone again now and I can just get on with it again.

On Wednesday I had to go and have a scan that I'd been putting off , but it got to the point where it couldn't be avoided any longer. Friday I got the results and they weren't what I'd hoped which is a complete drag, but at least it explains the way I've been feeling lately -dishrag springs to mind. So something has to be done about it and it worries me because I've never had so much as a filling before. To have to be put under is worrying to me.

Anyway this afternoon I spoke to a friend about it and she asked me for the name of the surgeon and it turns out that she herself was operated on by this very man and that he's very professional and that I shouldn't worry about that side of things. So now only have to worry about what he'll find. Excellent.

The good thing is this. I hereby announce that I'm taking pressure off myself to push myself in any way. The course I was going to go sign up for next Wednesday can be put off until later. I'm going to bugger around and do some things that I want to do such as the shite watercolour experiment that you see above (which is only a tiny section of the picture-what is it? who knows). You know it doesn't really matter if it's crap, just so long as I enjoy it and it's relaxing.

It's actually quite freeing-I'm going to live for a while as though I don't know whether I'm on my way out or not and just let go of everything and I'm sure it will be good. I'm going to do things that please me for a change. Such as reading a silly book by Judge Judy. I'm going to read all the Anne books again. And maybe LM Montgomery's Blue Castle as well for fun.

Wouldn't a quote from Judge Judy be good? Come on, you know she's a funny old thing.

"Jerry loved to ski, and he was a wonderful skier. I listened to him sing the praises of racing down icy mountains with the sleet and snow blowing in your face and was skeptical. Frankly, it didn't seem all that appealing. In the interests of trying to accomodate this man to whom I was wildly attracted, I agreed to try his favourite sport.

By the time we boarded the ricketty chair lift and started on our way up the mountain, I was already scared to death. I hung on for dear life as we rose higher and higher. When we came to the top and they informed me that I was suposed to jump off, I said, "I'm not getting off this thing." So they pushed me off.

(edit edit)

I looked down and realised that short of calling for an airlift, there was only one way I was going to get to the bottom. So, slowly, very slowly, we crawled down.

I had promised Jerry that I would ski with him because he loved it so much, but having tried it once, I was ready to face the truth. This wasn't a time for denial.

"Jerry," I said to him, "you can have a screwer or you can have a skier, but in this woman you're not going to get both."

He stared at me openmouthed. I added,"But I remind you, you can only ski in the winter."

I never set foot on another mountain".

Ah, what an attitude :) .

Oh, before I forget, I had a conversation on Wednesday afternoon with The Butcher. It was about.........................suspense.........tension............ meat.

the pain that often mingles in your fingertips

2007-01-13T12:50:00.000+11:00

I was opening a little bottle of something that had a foil lining and managed to slice my finger open in two places -WELL DONE!!! I think it was the day before yesterday. Anyway, who cares when it was, the point of relating it is that I then that night discovered the truth behind something when going to serve dinner -went to season my tea and the thing about rubbing salt in a wound -literally. Hell it hurt. Ow ow, run to the sink, wash it off. A roast dinner to the person who knows what song the title words have come from.

This is going to be a crap of a post because I'm supposed to be making lunch at the moment and so it will be some kind of rush job of crapic proportions and it could be about everything and nothing all at the same time. You can put your bets on nothing. If you do you will win for sure.

My neighbour was saying about how her daughter tried to fail an eye test so that she could have glasses like her school friends. Reminded me of how I felt when all my friends were getting fillings in their teeth and I didn't get to have any. You're not part of the club. You're not cool because you don't have fillings in your teeth. Kids are idiots. Never did need any fillings. This lady is filling free, if not fancy.

Speaking of teeth, on Wednesday I turned up at Mum's and realised that an emergency was unfolding. One of her false ones had broken off and she'd sat it on a blue plate on the kitchen bench (why?? why????). Then she thought that she had accidentally rinsed the plate, or else scraped the plate into the dogs dish. Well done.

She called my brother in law, the poor man, who works very close by and asked him to come and check it out under the sink. Pulled out all the crap under the sink, undid the pipes, nothing there but brown sludge. The seals on the pipes had broken and he ended up having to drive around to three different hardware places to find what he needed to replace them.

All eyes turn to the dog who is watching through the back screen door.

(me, stirring) "Mum, you'll have to go looking through the dog pooh next"

Mum, sighing :" Ah, some people find a diamond ring in their pipes"

Me: "Well, I think that's only if they lost one in the first place".

Mum: "I don't have one to lose"

Me: "Nah, me either. Betcha there's plenty of brown sludge in my pipes, though".

The scene was like something from a movie. Mum was panicking -how would she be able to go and get a new tooth without anyone seeing her with a missing one???? And so are the days of our lives.

I tried to convince Mum not to just replace one tooth, that she should get an entire new set.

"Mum, just how long have you had those teeth?"

"Since 196......oh about 1970"

"Mum!!!!! They're older than me!"

"Well new ones will be about $1200"

"I don't think that's a bad investment for something you're going to have for 40 years!!"

She got the one tooth replaced -$50.00 -and lived to eat another day.

And a quick butcher update -I went in there during the week. Yes, actually got brave and went in. Felt like a complete idiot. You know how it is when you think that the person will be able to read your thoughts or something? Like that. I felt exposed and stupid.

Anyway the butcher was very friendly and smiley where he's usually quiet. It was unusual and threw me right off balance -you know how it is when you expect a person to be the same and they're not? Like that.

So, as I wrote to my sister in an email the options are:

1. he is really happy because he found a girlfriend

2. he's bipolar

3. he had taken some kind of pharmaceuticals.

Actually, have just thought of another couple of options -he got out on the right side of the bed, he won lotto. In fact what ever it is I'd like to know because it has piqued my curiosity.

So the theme this week has been:TEETH - Mum doesn't have great ones. The butcher, however, does.

carefree highway

2007-01-09T16:46:00.000+11:00

Well here is a much younger Gordon Lightfoot. The title up there is one of his but is also a silly reference to what the subject here will be. Really, I just wanted to put the photo of him here because I think he looks quite nice.

I've been telling myself for some time that I'm not bringing home any more books from the second hand shop because they continue to pile up and up next to the bed and then I end up reading a book that I've had for years and read many times before because I want the comfort of the familiar. But then every time I go down the street I can't help myself but go in there and see what there is to be found.

Among the last haul was a spectacularly discouraging book entitled:

MID-LIFE

It's

O.K.

"A friendly book that debunks the myths of menopause and tells you how to ensure health and happiness in th middle years and beyond. A positive guide for every woman".

I flicked through it and it had a good chart showing when the progesterone and oestrogen kicked in etc and I thought it might be helpful in determining when I will be more psycho than other times -don't need to explain that to other females :) . So for fifty cents it got to come and live in this house.

What I've discovered in the bit I've read so far is that the book is FULL OF LIES !!!!!!

"Contrary to popular belief menopause and aging are not dreadful diseases or conditions" (bollocks)

It says here that it's not a disease or condition to be suffered through and then goes on to list such symptoms as:

Hot flushes: sometimes feelings of inexplicable anxiety, doom, confusion, embarrassment, even nausea and palpitations may accompany a hot flush.

-bursts of rapid heartbeats can follow, maybe faintness.

More stuff

-women feel that their skin 'creeps'

-walls of the urethra in particular may shrink, increasing the possiblity of bladder infections

-feelings of depression

-headaches

-insomnia

-weight gain

-breasts shrink, become flatter*

-at about age 35 the skin starts becoming thinner and loses some flexiblity and elasticity (TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!!)

-muscle aches and pains

-problems with the pelvic floor

-oh, it goes on -too dreadful :) .

If all this stuff was happening to men it would be an Emergency. There would be an Inquiry.

* I must have lost a little more weight because I got up today and realised that my boobs had shrunk a bit -at a guess-somewhere between 56 and 57kg now. I mean the body weight, not of the boobs -that would be just plain disturbing :) ."Blogger Lady and The Case Of The Mysteriously Shrinking Appendages".

I've just got to accept that I'm not too far away from all this stuff and DEAL WITH IT.

Must actually finish this book eventually as I see that it has other scintillating subjects such as :How To Have A Healthy Cervix -and other things you always wanted to know.So we women go from all this stuff that we have to put up with now to all of that other stuff. Terrific.

Who the hell would want to be a woman????!!! (apart from a tranny) .

In the meantime I strongly recommend Carefree tampons for your feminine protection. What the hell does feminine protection mean?? Apparently it has something to do with swimming and LEAPING into the air and being very happy -LOOK MA, NO LEAKAGE!

Weird things that happen to me approaching the most carefree time of the month:

-the urge to drink vegetable juice

-the urge to clean out the fridge and pantry

-blitz the house -dust, vacuum, all the washing, ironing etc.

-all the papers have to be sorted

-shopping has to be done -everything possible must be brought into the house at this time -food, clothes etc.

But you know what it is -it must be some kind of safety mechanism because subconsciously you know that you're going to be TOO BLOODY SICK to do anything once the thing arrives ;) .

I'm sure that Gordon Lightfoot would be so happy to know that his face and song title were put to such an extremely tasteful piece of writing.

harmony...oh harmony, have you gone away, have you gone to stay?

2007-01-07T13:59:00.000+11:00

Now, I ask you, anyone reading this - can you honestly say that your problems are so great and so insurmountable when compared with those of a person who would buy not only music by Gordon Lightfoot, but BARRY MANILOW as well??? Put your problems in perspective, I tell you ;) .

As you can see there I must have had old Bazza crooked on the scanner -can't be bothered to fix it. Barry Manilow was fifty cents at the second hand shop - I would pay fifty cents for Copacabana.

Here is a silly thing about Gordon Lightfoot - on Wednesday morning I had one of those epic dreams that a person has from time to time. Anyway this technicolour epic starred Mr Lightfoot -in fact he wanted to marry me(ha). He was the age he is now, but clean shaven, without his moustache. I said to him that it would be impossible because when I visited his home it became apparent that it wasn't big enough to house all the hundreds of albums that he had hanging around on his front porch -they were records I was unfamiliar with, and yet could see all the covers and all the writing (the brain, amazing). I said: "Gordon, I can't marry you until your house has eight rooms" - his house, you see, only had four rooms. Not even enough room for the records, obviously. There was much excitement because he got the rooms built on....and then I woke up.

So then Wednesday I went down the street to go to the vet and other fun stuff like that. Talking to a taxi driver, and who comes around the corner? The Butcher on a lunch break. Had a sighting, so that was good. Then go in the Dept store, can't remember what I was supposed to be looking for, but ended up looking through the CDs -don't usually bother at that particular store as they're too expensive-and of course what did I find? The Gordon Lightfoot CD above. It spun me out to see it. Looked just the same as in the dream, except he had his moustache on - but when I turned the CD over there was a photo of him as a younger man -clean shaven. I had the thought that I didn't get to stay in his home, but that he would be coming to stay in mine :).

A quick review - according to the back of the CD it came out in 2005. I don't suppose it would win any new fans, but for his old faithfuls it would be as familiar and comfortable as a pair of old slippers. It's playing at the moment. For me even if the only decent thing he'd ever done was Sundown, that would have been enough. It's fair to say that I love his music to bits.

NOW ON TO THE SUBJECT OF THE BUTCHER

Wednesday night I get a knock on the door about 9.30pm. It was my sister who had been to visit an old housemate in another town. She was doing the rounds, saying goodbye to friends before moving to another state. Anyway she felt the need to call in and have a laugh over something after visiting this old friend. Let's call the friend Diane. Diane and her fiancee, Jack(courtesy of JCM) ,are to be married in November. Diane asked my sister to be one of the bridesmaids. Diane was talking about Jack's shy first cousin named such and such who is to be part of the party and....how he works as a butcher. Yep, it's The Butcher. Diane's quote was :"He's so shy he'll probably never get married".

So - as it is impossible for me to walk in to The Butcher's workplace now because I feel like too much of an idiot, at least I can know that come November my sister can put a good word in :) .

I said before that this silly crush dated back a year or more, but when I stopped and thought about it, it was definitely there at the start of 2005. So that means that I had a crush on a 26 year old. Dear oh dear.

Anyway, even if I did have the guts to go back there to buy lambshanks -what is a person supposed to say with other customers around??? "Can I have two kilos of mince and, by the way, I like your quiet intensity??".

What about:"I'm handy with the washing machine, I can get all that blood and guts off your clothes".

Yeah, it's not working.

As you see, it's a hopeless case :) .

time, it's a flier (flier). sunny day, fly away english summers are gone, so long

2007-01-02T18:16:00.000+11:00

These daft things should have been small instead of medium but I can't be bothered to change them now. My first mail of the new year - catalogue - do I want to do a needlepoint of fish for my dunny???????????? NO. Definitely not. Ughhhhh. All that scratchy wool on your dunny lid, that's just plain off, that is. I do like the poppies, though, but am too tight to spend $27.95 and then can't be bothered to stitch the butterfly. Bugger that for a joke. So, that was first mail for the year. It can only get better from here.

So, as evidenced by the title up there, it is January. Still not quite sure what happened to 2006. If you have a clue, please send your answer on the back of a postcard to:

Where the?
P.O. Box 2006
Your Capital City

So I haven't been here for a few days. Been doing things that people are expected to do at this time of year -catching up with people and making sure people are happy and that sort of thing. I realised that I'm actually quite unsociable at heart and couldn't wait to get home again from things. At a family gathering was thinking how pleasant it might be to get into some scotch and then crawl into a darkened room for at least a week and sleep sleep sleep. Ah!! But THAT was LAST YEAR.

Now that it's a new year of course I shall be different ;) .

Things that will be different:

For the first year ever will keep a second diary - only the good stuff is allowed to go in it and I'll have to think of things to go in there and that could be a good thing in itself (?). I'll have to come out and say it: a gratitude journal -oh frig, I've gone all Oprah.

When people are just insufferable and nasty I'm going to tell myself that it is their problem and not mine. They can just bugger off, it's not going to get to me. At all. Anymore.

O.K. that's only two things, but it is only the second day of the year so it's not such bad going.

Weird dilemma:

For some time now - maybe a year, could be longer - I've had a rather silly girly crush on a young man. I mean young. I can't go into specifics just in case angel reads this and she knows me in real life and then she'll stir the hell out of me. Anyway, he works in a place with my Uncle. O.K. -will just have to come out and say it anyway - works as a...butcher :) . It really is silly because he could be married with kids for all I know. But anyway. So on Thursday I was cleaning up after this family thing and taking the rubbish out to the bin. I notice my Uncle off in a corner by himself - actually he was behind a tank stand taking a leak* :). So I got up all my guts and gumption and said: "I'm not watching or listening - I just want to ask you who the nice looking young man is at your work". So he then said:oh, that's such and such, he's seventeen. Well, I know I'm not quite that sick and said :think again. Not as young as that and just because you mightn't think he's good looking, it doesn't mean that a woman wouldn't. So then he struck upon the right one - twenty eight. I never ever thought that I'd get to the point where twenty eight sounded dreadfully young. But it does seem it. Very much so.

So here's the dilemma: is it a waste of time to have a crush on a person that didn't grow up watching the Goodies or Monkees repeats? Who was tiny when the A-Team was on and probably doesn't even remember the Dukes of Hazzard? Too young to remember the ABBA invasion? Hardly even a real person at all ;) .

Dilemma part 2: I will never be able to go into the place ever again to buy lambshanks in case my Uncle said anything about my enquiries (why did I ask????). It makes me feel as though I'm thirteen years old :) .

The reason why I have a crush in the first place is because the young man blushed. That's it. Strange, but true. And now I know his name and age but can never go in there again-hahaha. Stupid, stupid. Too silly for my own good. Goal for 2007: grow a brain. A functioning one, even :) . That could be good.

* what is the thing with Australian men and toilets. They can't use them if there is any other place - any other place whatsover - to go. A tank stand, behind a shed, behind a tree are all considered fit places to go, even if there is a perfectly functioning loo within metres. Is it just because they can? The more alcohol consumed= not a chance of stepping in the house. Uh uh - that wouldn't be MANLY - gotta hang it out outside. I will never understand it.

So first entry here for the year. And the whole time I've been thinking the thought that women everywhere think every bleeding day: what to make for dinner tonight???????

and now for something completely different

2006-12-22T00:24:00.000+11:00

won't you please play a song, a sentimental song for my sentimental friend over there

2006-12-20T22:26:00.000+11:00

Very late last night I sat right here and looked through my old autograph book.

It is in the same old suitcase with my diaries and has been sitting here on the floor for a few days - since whenever I did that entry about keeping a diary. It's all there in the one spot - it's portable. I can carry my life around in a suitcase, how odd. It is usually tucked away in a place where my ex-husband's mother can't sight it as she does have a tendency to investigate your things whenever there's a chance (I'm not just being paranoid -have caught her at it :) ).

Anyway -the autograph book. It's 20 years old next October.

Excerpts from a couple of the things:

"Dear Lee, I can still remember the first time we met and my friends and I thought you were a boy". I was such a skinny little undeveloped thing at that point. THIS IS WHY I WILL NEVER HAVE MY HAIR CUT SHORT - EVER AGAIN :).

"Dear Beatles fan, you have always been a ratbag so I expect you will not change"

"Well, we're in the last week and isn't it good. Least we won't have to put up with subby Beatles music" (Then added his phone number at the bottom-haha).

"The only thing wrong with you is your obsession with KIDS! It's gross but so long as you're happy who cares"

"Don't worry about what people say about your style of music. I like it a bit"

"Thanks for educating me about music. I will never forget the Beatles or the Monkees or any of the music you have brought to my ears.
I hope all your dreams come true. I hope to see you in 5 years time with 20 kids at your feet. Each one sweet and innocent. Dressed in pretty clothes with angelic faces. I imagine they will all be singing Beatles songs or running and dancing like "The Sound of music".
I wish you all the best in the future. I hope you will never forget the good times we've had, and if you ever feel sad I hope you will never hestitate to crawl under a table and have a cry.
For now, goodbye and good luck.
Keep in touch
love from your friend forever
Jules

Lovely Julie -we are still in touch. But how the hell she thought I could have 20 kids. She has 3 of them now and I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't wish 20 of them on her worst enemy.

There are a lot of others, all along the same lines.

This is the one that got to me last night. Written by my old friend, Scott. We only got to know each other in the last 2 years of school. Such a character. He and his cousin and I use to dance in the senior study when we were supposed to be studying -hence the complaints about the music :) .

First off he is just stirring and then it's for real -well I think that anyone reading will see the difference quite clearly!

"Lee-You are a very lucky young lady. You have the honour to be the friend of, and friend to, ME, me being Scooter. Over the past two years you have also got to see me changing from a shy, innocent snippet of a boy, into a strong, mature and well balanced MAN!

I have also witnessed you and your body undergoing it's own private metamorphisis, your changing from a thing, skinny and scraggy, into a well rounded, voluptuous and sensual woman. My good god are you beautiful?With your red ruby lips, flowing hair, sparkling eyes, long sexy legs, baby soft skin and full (but not oversized) breasts. (OBVIOUSLY THIS PARAGRAPH WAS THE BIT WHERE HE WAS STIRRING).

I'd like to tell you "thank you", mate, for being so funny, kind, warm and different. I am so glad too that you have a common interest with me, that being MUSIC! It's been great dancing in ye olde senior stud.

I'd also like to thank you bud, for also being (at times), such a stubborn, psychedelic, shitty cranky bitch - it's been great, mate! - I just love arguing with you!

Anyway that's about it, except to say all the best in the future (never look back), have a great life, love me forever and that I hope the Beatles fill your dreams and bring happiness to your life for ever more! Thanks Lee, mate bye for now (not forever), watch out for stray and gay hippies and stay happy. Love from the old spasmodical colottos of the clackety puss, scooter rooter best mate (he had signed it with his last name)".

So I read that last night and then today ran into him for the first time in years. Couldn't get over the timing. He was so happy to know that an old school friend that he'd dropped out of touch with had married my sister last year, so will have to put them in contact with each other.

Was thinking about the time when he rang nervously as a teenager to ask me out and I said that I saw him as a brother, that we were friends and that was all -so he tried to make light of it by telling me to give my sister the phone so that he could ask her out instead. All the silly stuff that you remember.

So today we had a catch up in the middle of the department store(which happened to be the exact place where we had last seen each other as well, some years ago) and I said to him of school: "you don't realise that it's never going to be that good again. That it doesn't get any better than that". Looked at the photo of his lovely baby girl. Then a few minutes later his wife and daughter caught up with him and I met them . Said goodbye and walked away. Had the thought that she might have been my baby. Thoughts of a crazy lady. If only I could have felt the same way.

It caught up with me tonight when I was taking a shower. It hit me in the guts. Nearly 20 years. Oh, frig, I'm getting old. It's not really the years, is it? It's the loss of the promise you had, or thought you had. The mistakes you made that you can't undo. Just too tired.

you can leave your hat on

2006-12-19T22:38:00.000+11:00

Less than a week out from Christmas, here is the worst Christmas present I ever received. Meet Cowboy Ken in all his glory. Here are his boots and his old stained hat as well. Didn't scan his shirt as it's just too old and grotty.

I had waited and waited for Ken and when I got him he had a BROKEN leg, bugger him. Well, hip actually by the look of things.

You can see there what he was wearing before I stripped and scanned him. Haha. Rather tragic looking pyjamas that my Grandmother helped me to sew for him. Now that years have passed they are the only thing he actually has to wear as his "leather" pants sort of disintegrated in much the same way that my E.T. toy did. So Ken has a choice: embarrassing pyjamas or nakedness. Only ever had one Ken and one Barbie so I guess I looked after them, hence Ken is still around. So what's going to happen? Am I going to be eighty years old and still have Cowboy Ken floating around? What the hell is a person supposed to do with these things????

Anyway, Ken didn't let the grass grow under his feet - in games he always played on his disability and became Crippled Ken. My sister's Spanish Barbie felt sorry for him and had a fling with him, much to the disgust of his wife, Italian Barbie, and Spanish Barbie's husband, Shaving(or was it Shavin') Ken. My sister had great times with Shaving Ken, scribbling on his face with a texta and then shaving it off again with a fake razor. Why? Why? Who comes up with this stuff?

The second worst present I ever received from someone was for Christmas 1979 and it was a 1979 calender. Brilliant. Well done. I did discover, however, that if I put the wooden ends of my skipping rope into the cardboard roll it came in that I could then hang it over the curtain rod and it became a swing for my teddybear to sit on. This is the same creative mind that constructed a Barbie wardrobe and car all in one out of a cardboard box (read here:disturbed child). Whatever happened to that thing? It was even decorated in wallpaper, hell I was good.

All I want nowadays is some good health. Oh, and an egg flip thingo. The one here's just about had it.

So to anyone who reads this:may you receive the equivalent of the egg flip -something you want and actually need.

Ken says "howdy pardners" and sends his regards and is just off to slip back into his pyjamas for the rest of his life.